Last night we sat on the beach and worshipped. I started revisiting the question, “What does it look like to process?” I keep getting asked if I have processed “that day”. How my process is going. Process. Process. Process. What does process even mean? All I know is “that day” changed my life.
As I sat there listening to music, I started questioning, “God, what do you want me to do? I don’t know if I am processing. I feel like everyone wants to evoke emotions out of me when reflecting that day and I don’t have many.”
So last night, I went and talked to a teammate to see how she was doing. Instead of me speaking truth over her she spoke truth over me. I told her how I felt. I told her I don’t even know what process means. She told me to look back on that day and see where and in what I saw God. She said to call those out as truths and use those truths as a rock to stand on.
As I started reflecting back on that day, I started taking note of where God was in the midst. I started calling those out as truths. Truths I can go back to and stand on when I am feeling attacked.
Here are some of the truths I learned that day:
God is love. Not only is He love; he loves me more than I know. One day previous to this extravaganza I was woken up at 2:45 in the morning by God. He told me to get up and read. I did. I was studying Acts and what community looks like. Whenever I finally got back in bed around 4:30 that morning, I heard God tell me He loved me. It was weird, because I speak a lot of truth over myself, but this was different. It was a very vivid truth spoken over me that I know didn’t come from within. He loves me. Then the next day, He proved His love is more than I know when He used His strength to get me out of that tunnel.
God is with us. Although no one knew I was in that tunnel; God knew. I would be lying if I said that no one knowing didn't evoked a little anger within me. I wanted people to know I was gone; they didn’t. God used that to remind me He always knows when we are. Whether that be in a dark place physically or a dark place metaphorically; He knows and He is with us. He is there just waiting for us to ask for His help.
God is our protector. I remember telling the people I saw right out of the tunnel that God protected me. I told them although it was dark, I wasn’t scared because I knew God was there. If you know me, you know I grew up so afraid of the dark. I wouldn’t even walk outside in the dark. If I needed something out of a car I would sprint to the car and back as fast as possible so I wouldn’t have to be in the dark. The dark tunnel was my worst nightmare, but yet while in it I wasn’t scared. The dark didn’t scare me. The thought of Satan didn’t scare me. I knew God was there and He had an army of angels around me protecting me.
God prepared me. Sounds crazy, but yes it’s true. As I reflected on the days previous I took note. Not only did He wake me up the day prior super early in the morning, also earlier that day He asked me to stay home from ministry. I said okay, but why. He said while I felt His presence so strongly I needed to soak it in and prepare for things to come. He told me I needed to get strength and endurance from Him. Yes, I told my team leader I was staying back because I needed strength and endurance and to be prepared. Crazy, I thought God meant for ministry, but now I see how He was preparing me for that day.
God answers prayer. As I reflected on my journal for the weeks prior, I turned to a random page. It was a prayer to God that said “Anything standing in my way from learning more about You, please tear it away from me. I hate asking you to make me dependent on you, but apparently I can’t do it on my own.” Dang, that was answered. I had to be dependent on Him that day. He taught me more about His love for not only me but everyone. He showed me His strength… and so much more.
That day, I also prayed, well begged, for more faith. Yes, I had to have faith in that tunnel that He was God and that He was good and if He had more plans for my life He could get me out. He did. And lastly in my journal prayer that day, I prayed from my family. I said “Do whatever you need to do in their lives so their hearts are consumed by you. Lord, show them your love.” Bam… answered. How could my family not look at this situation and be consumed by the Lord’s love for each of us.
Jerimiah 33:3 has pretty much been my theme for the WR thus far and also was the theme of the El Salvy chruch we attended. It says “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and hidden things you have not known.” There are so many other verses on prayer, but this is the one I cling to a lot. Prayer is so much more important than many of it give it credit for. If my soul wasn’t crying out for God in prayer in that tunnel, I’m not sure I would have made it out alive. My flesh was so weak, my arms were shaking; my spirit was praying was spirit was given the strength to get out. I had to ask though. Strength didn't just overcome me; I asked God, He answered.
God is truly our dad. My home situation was good when it comes to parents. My dad would comfort me if I asked him. He would drop whatever to be with me, but God well He saved me. My earthy father couldn’t have saved me that day. My earthly father wasn’t there, not because He didn’t want to be, but because God called me away from my family. He is my family.
On our way to the beach after the waterfalls that day, we kept driving through tunnels. Every time we drove through one, I had a flashback of choking on water. Another tunnel; another flashback. It made me nauseated. Then a gust of wind came through the window and it smelled just like my earthly dad. As my heart sunk, I mumbled under my breath, “I just want my dad.” God heard me and was quick to respond. He said, “I’m here.” That was the day I understood. The day I truly was able to see God as a dad and perfect Dad.
So, now as I look back on these truths, along with others I learned that day, I have a foundation of truths about God to stand on. When Satan attacks again, I get to look back at this day and see where God has proven faithful. And as my aunt told me right before I left, I am safer in a dangerous place in the will of God than in a safe place out of the will of God. Amen.
Love you all.
