Several people had already shared their stories of past struggles and trials as I warred against God and the overwhelming heaviness on my heart. For over 3 hours my heart was beating so fast I could hardly contain it. My hands were clammy and sticky and bumps raised off the surface of my skin as my eyes continuously welled up with tears. I knew what Christ wanted, but I was fighting against it with everything in my being.
Im NOT talking about this, Lord, I said so brokenly in my mind as Laura put her arm around the back of my chair, rubbing my shoulder reassuring me in some spiritual way that she was in support of the Holy Spirits push to deal with this matter that I so desperately despised. Again the devil was present in my mind and thoughts, trying to convince me that I didnt need to deal with this, while Abba Father was drawing me closer. Back and forth, back and forth I went, I knew I had to escape this oppressing feeling and there were two ways to choose from. Leave the room, and escape from all of this or get up and deal with it. Then Mama C said the most profound thing as she sat behind me and surely could feel the heaviness in the room. The devil can no longer control that which you bring to the light. I found myself standing at my feet just as Greg was about to close the service for that night. As I slowly walked up to the front of the room, 50 pairs of eyes peered back at me. Everything in me went numb as I began to shake from the thick, tangible presence of the Holy Spirit.
I opened my mouth and what came out was completely unexpected. Im only doing this out of obedience, because I know the Lord will bless me. But I have to tell you, this is something I do NOT wanna talk about. Here goes nothing I thought to myself as I began to paint a picture that those 50 people would never forget.
She was 17 when I was born, just a young girl hardly out of high school. Most likely broken-hearted from the absence of the one she loved and the one she called my father. For as long as I can remember my father was never a factor in my life. In my mind he didnt want anything to do with me. He wasnt there for my first birthday or the day I got my new banana seat bike. He wasnt there for my first stage debut, or my sweet 16. Not to meet my first boyfriend, or to give me fatherly advice. He was just not a factor. He asked my mom to have an abortion before I was born and because she decided to keep me, e aborted himself out of my life. Not one phone call or letter or birthday card. Nothing. He made a life choice that not only affected himself, but it affected me. Growing up I didnt really think too hard about him. In my mind he didnt deserve a place in my heart, he gave up that opportunity from the start.
At about 12, I was given a picture of him and some baseball cards. He was a major league catcher for the Oakland and Kansas City. I kept them for the occasional glance and natural curiosity. Most of the time they were lost in a box among other miscellaneous things or tucked away in a drawer somewhere. I always knew they were within an arms reach and I liked it that way. As I went on living my life I always remembered those pictures. I always wondered if by some weird chance Id ever truly lay eyes on him in my lifetime. Either way it didnt make a difference to me but there was always that wondering thought in the back of my mind. What if it was possible. There seemed to be a constant battle going on inside me. Often times Id ask myself why he wouldnt want me. Wasnt I good enough? Then come to the conclusion that I was crazy for wanting to meet him or ever daydreaming that was a potential possibility. I care about myself too much to subject myself to heartbreak –especially from someone who never really cared in the first place. So Ill just forget it. Forget him and continue living my life. I got really good at stuffing any emotions regarding him.
As I continued to let people see how broken my heart really was, I felt this overwhelming desire to just break down right there in front of those 50 people I hardly knew. I allowed the words to cross my lips something I never thought Id say. With tears flowing down my face, I looked right into the eyes of Bethany (our squad leader), and gave it everything I had left. I put it all into the light.
I said, I wanna look into his eyes one day and tell him that I forgive him. I forgive him for not wanting me, for never being there. For never calling. Never giving me the opportunity to meet my sisters and brothers. For hurting my mom, for hurting meI forgive him because Christ forgave me. Even when I didnt deserve it He loved me enough. Enough to go to Calvary and die a death that should have been for me. And because Christ did that for me, He gives me the strength in my weakness to do that for him. My flesh says dont forgive him–he doesnt deserve it. But my Spirit says, Step out in faith and trust Me. So thats why Im here in the Dominican Republic. My father is my mission field. He deserves to be set free from a life of shame and guilt. He deserves to know Christs love. And God loves him!
I ended with that very powerful statement and with that lifted the spirit of hatred and bitterness. God loves him. Its that simple and if Im called by God to come love those whom He loves, why would that exclude him? Without a dry eye in the house, Momma C held me softly, and for a moment I felt my mothers hands around me. I felt her proud of me, and please with this act of selflessness. Something to be said about a mothers touch, huh? As I began to process what was to come that month, I felt the Holy Presence of my God come over me. He told me He loves me and I did well in His sight.
Unforgiveness is a heavy weight to carry, but when we allow ourselves to get vulnerable before the Lord there is freedom found! Chains are broken and lives are restored. If you have unforgiveness in your heart I challenge you with two things. #1, ask God to show you and #2, ask God to be your strength to help you forgive. You never know what kind of freedom youre robbing yourself of when you choose to not forgive or the freedom that you are robbing the other person of by not forgiving.
Matthew 18: 21-35.
