Five months later I gained enough courage to take that step of faith. About a week before the whole squad got back together for debrief I posted the idea of healing once again to Ali. She was on board. The first and second nights of squad time I was hesitant and couldn’t muster the courage, which frustrated me. I was frustrated that my fears were interrupting my ability to trust God completely. Fears of foolishness, being overwhelmed and humbling myself in front of the whole squad.
The third and final night I followed through with the plan. As I started to try and plan what I would say to calm my nerves I instantly realized it probably wouldn’t go as planned. As I began to speak, my nerves were immediately relieved by the genuine looks of care, interest, and concern for what I had to say. As the warrior style prayers began I was covered in peace. Peace that God’s will would be done and peace that I had 50 other people interceding who truly cared. Being able to witness everybody in the room surrounding me, lifting me up in prayer was the most encouraging moment. Showing me how well our community fights for each other and created a safe place.
Although I was not granted the ability smell immediately I am choosing to believe that it is all happening according to the Lord’s plan. I choose to fully embrace and respect His will, no matter the results. I am trying not to worry so much about the physical healing and focus more on the spiritual growth that accompanied the transformation. It’s hard completely trusting the Lord and somewhat frustrating but in the end I know it’s just as He has planned it.
The next day during a Thai cooking class I did correctly compare the scents of the two curries. I was elated. It was a genuine statement. Then a smidgen of doubt crept in my mind. I’ve been pretend smelling for my whole life and can be witty enough to make others believe that I could smell, becoming second nature. Please pray that when I am healed that I would not be discouraged by doubt and know for sure that change has occurred.
I have no solid proof that I can smell yet, nor do I want to be THAT person who continuously is putting God to the test smelling everything I possibly can. I hope that I can live in trust and peace that it will be very well known to me when the complete healing occurs. In the mean time I will continue to praise and bring glory to my creator who has made me perfectly in His image and according to His plan.
Philippians 4:10-19
