I've slowly been able to speak up for myself. I have tasted more freedom than I have in the past two months. Freedom to speak my mind, have my own opinion and voice my needs. This freedom has lead to comfort levels with the group improving. But there was still something hindering me from embracing confidence to be my true self.
It wasn't until I was told very encouraging words that I took to heart, “There's a lot of you love,” that I realized how much God truly loves me as I am. Tears of joy immediately formed and I just continued to bask in the glory of the truth. Despite the fact that I got stuck at the gate going to the subway for what seemed about 5 minutes and the lady working security “yelling” at me, I still was in awe of how much He truly does love me. As we stood around in the rain, I looked around at the squad and realized that I have not been loving in a Christ-like manner. I noticed two things:
1. God makes us all unique for a reason.
2. He loves us for the person we are on the inside, not our flesh.
The confidence to be who I am in Christ can only come from truly believing that being who I am makes God tickle with excitement. Parents, family and friends have told me over and over how beautiful I was on the inside and outside but I don't think I've ever truly believed in my heart until this week. Your brain may have all the right words but until those words reach your heart and you truly believe them nothing ever changes emotionally.
In Ephesians 1 & 2, Paul reinforces how important we are to Christ, despite our quirks and handicaps. He knew everything about us from the beginning, conforming us to the purpose and pleasure of His will. He loves us the way He made us to be, and is ecstatic when we have the confidence to use those traits boldly for His glory.
I still have to be reminded sometimes of this beautiful fact and it is close to becoming engraved in my heart. I am lucky to have met and grown to love more and more daily who are willing to pour into me. Their encouragement, constructive criticisms and authentic relationships that are developing are a blessing.
It has brought to my attention that I (used) to say “I'm sorry” too much unnecessarily and have grown more confident in my actions and words.
With a gentle hand, I was reminded that I was beautiful that I shouldn't try to perfect my skin. God thinks I am beautiful and that I need to love myself the way I am and that internal and external beauty will be radiant, FOR HIS GLORY.
In a follow-up conversation, after squad time, I was encouraged to grow in confidence in my words. She told me that the words of encouragement have a stronger impact than I originally thought.
It's in those simple interactions and accountability checks that God is constantly showing me that He loves me just as I am. I know, without a doubt, that He will continue to show me in various ways, until I apply and truly believe it in my heart and not just in my head.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. ”
Ephesians 1:3-6
