Today, I was walking around with a bag from the grocery store. It was relatively heavy, but nothing unbearable. My teammate Grace and I walked from the mall to the local skatepark to watch Adrienne skateboard for a bit before heading home. The longer I walked, the heavier the bag got. Grace asked if she could help me carry it, but I told her it was no problem. We made it to the skatepark and spent some time chatting with friends there. When it was time to go, I grabbed the bag again to walk to the taxi stop. It was even heavier, or so it seemed, this time around. I carried it for a while, running across the street with it even, before my back began to burn from the weight. Adrienne asked if she could take it from me. I finally put my pride aside and let her carry it the rest of the way. My back found immediate relief and my fingers went from purple to pink pretty quickly.
Cambodia was a beautiful country with even more beautiful people inhabiting it. The children were some of my favorite I have encountered on the race. Despite their dirty clothes and toothless smiles, they exuded a joy that can’t be explained. I found myself in tears so many times just thinking about leaving their sweet faces. But even the beauty and happiness that came with serving in Cambodia couldn’t stop what came the first few weeks.
I got homesick. Really, really homesick. I missed my family, my friends, my dog, my job, my “normalcy”. I missed having my own room, air conditioner to keep me cool, and windows to keep the mosquitoes out. I missed America, and I didn’t want to be on the Race anymore.
And I didn’t want to bring this load to God, either.
I spent the better half of the first two weeks throwing myself a pity party. I carried my burden until I couldn’t anymore. I finally gave in to the question Jesus had repeatedly asked me: “Can I carry that for you?” I put my pride aside, and we had a conversation about how I was feeling. I let Him take my burden, and He lightened my load and filled my heart again.
Like He so often does, He lovingly reminded me of how selfish I was being.
He brought me to a home doubled as a classroom for village children taught by a man with non-functioning legs. He reminded me that He gave me working legs that have carried me across 7 country borders so far to share His undeserving love, and that will soon enough carry me off a plane and into the threshold of my very comfortable home in Mississippi.
He brought me children to teach who wore the same outfit everyday for an entire month. He reminded me that I have more clothes in the pack I wear on my back this year than some will own their entire lives.
He brought me down red dirt roads where dust constantly filled the air and burned my throat in a tuktuk that bumped and shook our bodies anytime we journeyed anywhere. He reminded me that in a few short months, I’ll be taking rides in a car on paved streets and I’ll yearn to see dust flying.
He gave me eyes to see the hurting, ears to hear their stories, and words to encourage their spirits. He is transforming my heart into one that is slowly moving away from my selfish wants and desires and learning to care more for the needs of those around me. He showed me what it looks like to have little, but love much. To have few belongings, but great joy. To have empty hands, but a heart so full it overflows.
He reminded me of how extremely blessed, and how undeservingly so, I am. I’ll be back in America soon enough, but I pray my eyes never forget the faces I’ve seen, my ears never forget the stories I’ve heard, and my heart never forgets the joy I’ve experienced. It’s in this year, where I have much less than I’ve ever had before, that I have met with God the most. It is when I have nothing else to lean on, that I realize my desperate need for Him. I am so thankful for a year of “less”, because in it I have found so much more. I may have less stuff, less accommodations, and less comfort, but I have more love, more joy, and so much more of Him. I’m so thankful for a God who wants to carry my load for me. For it is in times when my hands are empty that He has room to fill them.
“Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation.” Psalm 68:19
