Before each country, we are given a short description of our ministry and we found out all the way back in Cambodia where our team would be heading in China. So I knew that our team, as well as Team Cannonball, would be working with the underground church and college students. This was all fine and good until I heard that every other team would be working at special needs orphanages – orphanages that housed premature infants who were considered disabled simply because they were premature. Why, God? Why am I, the NICU nurse who is missing her fragile lil’ ones so much, not going there? I questioned, but to no avail. So I went with the mindset that God had great things in store for China. He wanted me with His children, but not the little ones; He desired for me to be with the college students. Thus, the month of China happened, nothing spectacular or radical, at least from my perspective. God had other plans and those plans were to begin breaking me down. And that’s exactly what He did.
***
Heading into debrief was difficult. Here I am with 8 months completed on the Race and only 3 more to go. China was yet another month of silence between me and God. I knew God was with me, that He never left me, but I didn’t experience or recognize His Presence. Another month closer to heading back to the States. In my mind I hadn’t grown, nothing was happening; and I questioned yet again, why I was here… questioned God with yearning to understand what He wanted me to recognize, what is blinding me from His Truth. I wasn’t okay with where I was at, or that this would be all the race would be. However, I was starting to believe that it just might be true.
However, that’s not the end…
Something changed. Team debrief happened. God was moving. (Just to clarify, team debrief is a meeting held at debrief where our team meets with our squad leaders and 3 incredible AIM staff.) It was here that life was spoken into me, it was here that someone (someone being Rozie, our debrief “mom”) saw through me and the front I had been putting up for too long. She saw the weaknesses in the walls that I hadn’t even known were there. As those words of life were spoken, some walls crumbled.
I realize now, a week later, that all the thoughts going through my head were the little lies that Satan was subtly racking up to bring me down. He was feeding on my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my fears. I didn’t know them as such, but he did. One thing I recognize now is that Satan is patient: he took his time planting lies in my head, he pointed out things he knew would only further discourage me. I saw it sometimes and called it out, but other times I just didn’t recognize them as lies. He thought he was winning and he was, but what Satan failed to recognize is that my Papa is a Supreme Commander, my Papa is even more patient, and my Papa was not going to give up on me in this battle, or any battle for that matter.
I’m learning more and more that I love serving people, I love loving people, and I love serving and loving my Papa. I have learned to love and serve Him through His littlest children and their parents. This is where my heart thrives and I know that I am in the heart of what God called me to. I know what He called me to; however, I know I still battle with who He called me to be. Yes, He called me to be a nurse, but He also called me to be a World Racer. I didn’t understand then and I didn’t understand a few weeks ago when we were headed to Harbin to work with college students instead of infants. It was at debrief that I was told I needed to just be. That’s going to take some time, understanding and figuring out how to just be, but my Papa is a patient God. I’m not all better and I’m not out of the desert yet, but I see the oasis in the distance and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Papa is carrying me and He will carry me there, every step of the way, if I will but let Him.
***
My Papa, led me to this song by Mark Schultz, "He Will Carry Me"
I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me
chorus:
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me
I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me
chorus
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm
chorus
He Will see me through this storm! Because He is Good! My Papa is Good!
