I’ve struggled with writing this blog for over a week. I’ve started it nearly a dozen times, but never able to get past the first few lines. For so many nights I’ve tossed and turned, and lost sleep over how I would ever be able to put into words the actions that took place two weeks ago, and honestly, if I would want people to know everything that happened. I did some things I’m not proud of and that I’m still trying to forgive myself for. A very wise woman (my mother) told me after hearing about the events, “Laura, as much as people like to hear about all of you playing with orphans and going on exciting adventures, it’s the really difficult parts people want and need to hear. People need to know what goes on in other parts of the world and how to pray for you.” So here it is……
As some of you may know, prior to coming on the World Race I was a social worker for an inpatient psychiatric unit in a hospital for adults and geriatrics. Patients would come to us with all types of disorders: schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, suicide attempts, multiple personalities, dementia, Alzheimer’s, etc. Needless to say my job was never boring, but I was definitely ready to take a break from it all while I went on the Race. God showed me this month in Cambodia how I would use my social work skills and how I would be changed for the rest of my life.
My team and I arrived at Teen Challenge (TC) of Cambodia on a Saturday where we were greeted by 15 children all wanting to be picked up and loved and played with. It was incredible. We spent the day playing with the children, some of which were kids of the ladies going through the treatment program and others whose mothers were still on the street but had surrendered their children to be taken care of at Teen Challenge. After dinner, Rokt, the woman in charge of the day to day tasks at TC told us that they all gather together every evening at 7:30pm to pray before going to bed and invited us to come join. When we arrived in the women’s building Rokt pointed to a room and tried to explain in the little English she knew what was behind that door. Rokt motioned with her hands moving across her chest in a ripping motion and pointing to the door. I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to say so I pointed to the door and started to get up. Rokt waved Christina and I towards the door and then as she unlocked and opened it all we could see at first was a dark and empty room. As we moved inside and the light from behind us lit the room, we saw in the corner a thin woman, completely naked. She started to move and was waving her arms about and slapping the wall and as she moved I heard a strange noise. I looked down to see a chain wrapped around her ankle and attached to the wall with a huge lock, I was speechless. I looked over at Christina who had a look of sheer horror and we just stared at each other for a second almost as if asking, “is this real?”
We left the room and went to sit back down with everyone else to pray, but no words would come out of my mouth, and I couldn’t close my eyes. I looked over at Dani, our incredible team leader and she immediately knew something was wrong. I said, “ Dani, there is a naked woman who is chained in that room, you need to see this now.” We asked Rokt to go back into the room and this time the whole team went. As I looked around the room at all of the other girls faces I could see their hearts breaking and asking the same question, “why is this woman naked and chained?” The L-shaped room was completely bare, no mat, no toilet, and no lights….just a window with bars on it with the moonlight streaming in. The girl kept rambling and slapping the wall and trying to walk around with the chain attached, with a distant look in her expression. Dani tried to ask her name and she simply repeated over and over, “what is your name, what is your name.” One of the Khmer ladies told us her name was Moam.
We all left the room and went back to the building where we were staying to process what we just saw. We went around the room and shared how we felt about what we just saw and what we should do about it. We discussed the possibility of Moam being possessed by an evil spirit and the possibility of her having mental illness. Dani contacted our squad leaders and shared with them what had just taken place. After the phone call we collectively decided we wanted to go back and pray for Moam.
We entered the room with Han, one of the Khmer ladies who was holding a flashlight. Han shined the flashlight in the corner and there was Moam crouched down with her knees pressed towards her chest. She had been given a sarong that she sat holding with clenched fists. We gathered together in that small room and prayed for Moam. I can only imagine what was going through her head as 7 white girls came in with Bibles and hands raised towards the ceiling all talking at once. I crouched down close to Moam, barefoot, on the urine soaked floor and tried to hold her hand, but she just looked at it like she didn’t know what it was. She was shaking her head back and forth and then would alternate hitting her head with her hands and then the wall and constantly spitting all while making strange noises and rambling. Han told us that every time they gave her clothes she would rip them apart.
The stench in the room was that of urine and feces and as I looked around the room I saw what looked liked smeared fecal matter on the wall. They had to remove the rest of the lights in the room because upon her arrival a week before, she had broken the lights and dented the door so much from kicking it trying to get out. After a half hour of prayer we left Moam and went back to our building. The next day more information about Moam was shared with us. Moam was 19 years old and had been found passed out on the streets and repeatedly raped. She was so tiny and her face looked more like that of a 30 year old than 19. You could see in her face that she had seen and experienced first hand how cruel the world really was. She was clearly addicted to drugs, alcohol, or both and due to her aggressive nature it had taken 7 police men to bring her to Teen Challenge. From day one, Moam was extremely violent, hitting and attacking the other woman and damaging or breaking everything in her way. Teen Challenge felt they had no other choice but to chain her to the wall in her room.
My social worker wheels started spinning and everything that I had studied in school and experienced first hand started to come into play. Human trafficking and the injustice of women and children were the reasons I went to graduate school to get a degree in Social Work, I wanted to set free those very people, like Moam, that were suffering. I wanted to help in any way possible. After hearing Moam’s story there was no doubt in my mind that she was suffering from some kind of mental illness (possibly schizophrenia) and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from all of the rape and abuse. She had clearly detached herself so far from reality and tried to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol, anything to escape the pain and hell she was in. I so badly wanted to swoop in and take her away and call the police and protective services, but this wasn’t America, this was Cambodia, and whereas I knew exactly what to do at home and who to call, the reality was that I was half a world away in a corrupt country who gave very little thought to a woman like Moam.
Teen Challenge told us that they were wanting to take her to the hospital to be checked out medically and if possible have a psychiatric evaluation, but on Monday they informed us that Moam was too destructive and couldn’t be taken. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and I was starting to get very anxious and then Rokt informed us that they would need a few of us to help take her to the hospital on Thursday morning. Since I had previous experience with adults like Moam, it was decided that I would go and Claire would come as well.
On Thursday morning at 9am, Claire and I walked with Rokt as she opened the door to Moam’s room. We stepped it and slowly walked up to Moam, not quite certain how she would respond. I put my hand on her shoulder and brushed her hair behind her back and she looked at me with piercing eyes. In her eyes I could see how much pain she had been through, how cruel the world had been to her and how broken she really was. Claire and I stood on both sides of Moam each of us holding her hands as Rokt unlocked the chain from her ankle. We carefully walked outside the room and asked for some clothes to put on her as she was still naked. They handed us some clothes and as we started to put them on her she took them out of our hands and started to dress herself. Across from her was a mirror and when she caught a glimpse of herself, she did a double take, as though she didn’t recognize her own reflection in the mirror. One of the staff walked by and Moam lunged at her, this girl was the one Moam had attacked when she first came to Teen Challenge and had bitten a chunk out of the girl’s cheek. Claire and I held Moam tied as she struggled to get to the girl, but then she calmed down. When we walked outside our mode of transportation looked a little different then what I had expected. Instead of a car to take Moam to the hospital in, there stood a tuk-tuk. As we approached the tuk-tuk Claire stepped in first and still holding Moam’s hands we helped her step up into the carriage and then I stepped in and sat down, so far so good. Then Sarai, a Cambodian woman who lived and worked with her 4 children at Teen Challenge and spoke NO English, got into the tuk-tuk with us and we left.
The trip to the hospital was the longest 45 minute ride of my life. It was still early in the day so it was a little chilly outside, and so I put my arm around Moam and rubbed her back the entire way to the hospital. Every once in a while she would lean over and spit outside of the tuk-tuk, but never once did she ever show any signs of aggression or wanting to escape. Moam sat the whole way holding mine and Claire’s hands. We even tried singing to her, but either she wasn’t a fan of Grease songs or we were really bad because her facial expression said it all. As we approached the hospital there was a sign that said Outpatient Psychiatric Center, and all I could think to say was, “I sure hope the inpatient psychiatric center is just around the corner and we can’t see it.” Claire and I just looked at each other not knowing what to do. When Sarai came back to the tuk-tuk she motioned for us to get out, and as the three of us starting to walk to the building, Moam went limp and refused to use her legs to stand up. We didn’t know what else to do but pick her up and literally carry her inside the hospital.
When we walked towards the waiting area a nurse motioned to people sitting in waiting area to get out of their seats to let us sit down with Moam. The waiting area was packed full of people and the longer we sat there the more people started to stare and point, and Moam didn’t seem to like this as she started motioning and rambling to them and started spitting on the floor. Finally we went in to see the doctor who sat behind a desk the entire time never once speaking to Moam or even examining her, he only spoke to Sarai….a few minutes later we returned to the waiting area. An hour passed and Sarai came back with 3 small bags of medicine and said, “ok, home.” We tried to ask if Moam would be staying at the hospital, but Sarai just pointed to the medicine and then said “home now.” I was so confused and frustrated. Didn’t we bring Moam all this way to be seen by a doctor and have an exam, and get the medical and psychiatric care she needed?
We walked back to the tuk-tuk and got in just as we had before. The ride back went well, only once did she stand up as if she was contemplating wanting to jump out, but then guided her back down to her seat. It was warmer now and the sun was shining and Moam reached over and took my hand in hers. She just sat there looking at our hands and intertwined her fingers with mine and then laid her head on my shoulder. It was an incredibly beautiful moment and I honestly didn’t want it to end.
As we pulled through the gates of Teen Challenge and got out of the tuk-tuk we walked inside the women’s building. Rokt and the other women motioned for us to take her into her room, but instead we sat down in the common area and tried to explain to Rokt how well she had done. Rokt brought the medication that Sarai had been given at the hospital and handed it to us to try and get her to take, but Moam just spit them out and looked angrily at Rokt. I remembered that I had a jar of peanut butter in our room and I had know idea if it would even work, but I decided to give it a try, so I quickly ran back and got the peanut butter. I first took a bite of the peanut butter to show Moam it was ok and then gave her some, which she seemed to enjoy. The next spoonful I put the broken pills in, which she quickly spit back out. After a few attempts we were able to get Moam to take most of the medicine. Moam looked exhausted so we walked her into her room and immediately some of the women asked us to hold her while they put the chain back on her. Claire and I tried to ask for the chain not to be put on her, but all they did was shake their heads no. When they asked us again to hold Moam’s hands and feet, we said no and started to walk out of the room. I understood why they had a lock on the door and I understood what damage Moam had done to the facility, but I was not about to hold a woman down while someone put a chain around her ankle. The last image I saw as I left that room was Sarai and another one of the ladies trying to hold Moam still. When I walked outside I saw one of the young girls (maybe 5-6 years old) trying to cut small pieces of wood with a rusty machete. I quickly walked over and took the machete from her and placed it on a shelf in the women’s building so the girl and none of the rest of the kids could reach it.
Claire and I hadn’t been back in our room 10 minutes before Sarai came in screaming and pointing at the door. She looked terrified. Six of us ran out of the building to find out what was going on, we could hear screaming and then someone shouted, “It’s Moam, she’s gotten lose and has a machete!” I immediately felt sick to my stomach…..that was the machete I was just holding a few minutes earlier, the one I had taken from the little girl and placed in what I thought was a safe place…and now Moam had it. Some of the girls ran towards the kids to make sure they were safe and out of the way and Claire and I ran towards the direction of the screaming. Moam had one of the woman in a choke hold, and I knew then what had to be done. Claire and I looked at each other and then we went for Moam, grabbing her, getting the machete away, and wrestling her down to the ground with Claire sitting on her chest and me holding her arms. She had tears streaming down her face that was covered in dirt and was screaming and fighting to break free. Claire and I just kept holding her and trying as best we could to calm her down. After a few minutes we sat her up and took her inside the building into her room. When two of the Cambodian women came it she immediately started to fight us and kicked one lady really hard in the leg and grabbed the other woman by the hair. Claire grabbed Moam’s arm while I pried her fingers away from the woman’s hair and then she began to kick again. Claire and I were doing the best we could to contain her, and that’s when I saw one of the ladies holding the chain in her hands and I knew what was about to happen. I was trying to hold her legs when Dani came in and said, “Laura, I will help you, just tell me what I need to do.” I told Dani to hold her other leg still and at that moment the woman leaned over and wrapped the chain around the very leg I was holding. When I heard the lock on the chain click, my heart broke and I felt sick knowing what I had just done, I had helped to put a chain on a woman. I stood up and ran out with tears streaming down my face and all I could think was, “I hope God can forgive me for what I’ve done, I just helped to chain a broken woman, one of God’s daughters, and I hope He can forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself.”
I ran back to our building and collapsed into a chair, balling my eyes out. Claire came in a few minutes later and the moment she sat down her eyes filled with tears. We just looked at each other, knowing what had just happened and what we did, and we lost it. Dani came in and just sat with us for an hour as we sat there crying our eyes out. All I could do was stare at the floor and shake my head in disbelief at how the day had unfolded and what I had just done. I kept thinking maybe this was all just a really sick dream, but the pain in my heart was all too real. I felt nothing but disgust for myself….I remembered just a few years ago being outraged at the injustices of the world and how people, especially women, were treated so poorly and how I was going to stop it. I was going to make a difference in the world and free all those people from bondage, I was going to break those chains, the very reason I set out to be a social worker, and here I was, just a few years later helping to put a chain on a broken woman. I hated myself.
As my team came together and talked together about the events that had just unfolded, I shared with them my heart and how broken I felt about what had just happened and the part I played in helping chain Moam. My team mates sat there listening and crying and passed no judgment on me. They surrounded me with love and mercy and spoke truth into me about the situation saying, “Laura, you did the right thing, it was between chaining Moam or letting her run around the compound with a machete and she could have hurt any of the children, one of us, or the other women at TC. I know given the two options I had, I did chose the right one, but what frustrates me is that I couldn’t think of a different solution, that as many times as I’ve dealt with patients in the hospital like Moam, I couldn’t in that moment think of another solution. Maybe if the girls on our team had taken shifts and sat with Moam, or maybe Claire and I could have slept in the room with Moam so she didn’t have to be chained, these questions still haunt me. Later that night when we went to check on Moam, I walked up to her and said, “I’m so sorry, I love you Moam, I love you, please forgive me.”
The next morning Claire and I went over to see Rokt and ask about Moam and what time she needed her next dose of medication. I decided this time to crush the pills completely and hide it in the tablespoon of peanut butter. When I went in the room to give her the medicine, she took her finger and wiped it through the peanut butter and then looked at it. Moam saw the white powder from the pills and instantly I thought it was going to be all over, but then she took the spoon and licked the whole thing clean. Moam had seen the medicine but had willingly taken it along with the peanut butter, I was ecstatic! Claire and I asked if we could give Moam a bath since she had not received one since she had been at Teen Challenge. As we started to bathe Moam, she allowed us to help her out of her clothes and then she started to slosh the water around on the floor. At first it looked as if she was just making a mess, but then it became evident that she was trying to clean the floor. She took the rag and started washing herself all over and scrubbing her arms with soap and water as if she couldn’t get clean enough. Then the most incredible thing happened, Moam began to wash mine and Claire’s feet. She poured water over my feet then took the soap in her hands and washed them, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life that I will always treasure. I knew in that moment that Moam had no anger towards me for what happened the day before, I knew she had forgiven me.
After her bath, Moam changed into clean clothes, Rokt unlocked the chain around her ankle and then we led Moam outside to where the ladies were having Bible study. Immediately all of the girls clapped for Moam, and kept saying “Oh Moam, saad!” (saad means beautiful in Khmer) Moam grinned from ear to ear, she really was beautiful. Moam then asked for her hair and make up to be done, so I borrowed some of Han’s make up and did her eyes, lips, and cheeks, and Kristen french braided her hair, she looked like a new person. We took Moam to the mirror to show her how beautiful she was and she couldn’t stop staring and smiling at the reflection in the mirror.
We found out a short time after that AIM (Adventures In Missions) had decided it was unsafe to stay at our ministry and that we would be leaving for good that very same afternoon. All of our hearts broke, we had come so far in such a short time, what was going to happen to the women, and to Moam? Would they understand us leaving or would it feel like once again they were being abandoned. 
When it was time to eat lunch, Moam sat with us and actually served rice to each and everyone of us before serving herself. She had come so far in such a short time. Over the next few hours I spent as much time as I could with Moam, walking with her, watching her wash laundry (several times), sitting on the swing together, and holding hands. The social worker in me was still trying to figure out how we could get Moam the psychiatric care she needed. Before leaving that afternoon, I spent time with Rokt showing her how I smashed up Moam’s medicine and how to hide it in the peanut butter. Moam was so exhausted that she fell asleep in our room. It was 4pm, and time to go, but she looked so peaceful and had finally felt safe enough to rest, so we let her sleep and left without getting to say good-bye.
We met in Phnom Penh with our squad leaders for a debrief over what had happened the past week. When we came together one night for worship and to find out how everyone was doing, I broke down and admitted how much I was struggling with forgiving myself for helping put Moam in those chains, then Amanda (squad leader) said, “ Laura, the women who are kept in chains by pimps and traffickers are done to control and oppress them, you helped put her in that chain not to oppress her but to keep herself and everyone else safe. You were doing it out of protection.” So much truth was spoken into me that night about the reality of the situation.
That week was easily the hardest and most life changing week of my life. I can’t say that I still don’t have the mental pictures in my head of what took place, but with those memories are also the beautiful memories spent with Moam. Before we left TC that day, Kristen took Polaroid pictures to give to Moam to keep, one of me and her and another of Claire and her. In those few days, Moam taught me so much about the world, life, forgiveness, and opportunity. Moam put her trust in me after what I did to her and she allowed me to come close to her and bathe her, and then she gave me the greatest gift, she washed my feet. I know God and Moam have forgiven me for what I did, but forgiveness towards myself still eludes me. Until that time comes, I will continue to think of Moam everyday and work on getting her to a better facility. For the rest of the month we will be ‘Unsung Heroes’ looking for ministries to partner with AIM and in the process looking for a better place for Moam to go. I will continue to pray daily for Moam and after reading this blog, I hope you will too. Thank you.
~Laura
~Laura
