God what’s wrong with me??? My walk with you is so different now.. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad..
Before this trip I had a routine with you, I would spend time with you each night singing you songs and reading your word, Sundays I would go to church and worship you with others… I loved that time!!! And 2 or 3 times a month I would venture out of my house and feed your people or go play with orphans across the border.. I felt good and cherished the love that filled my heart as I would share your word with homeless people as I bought them lunch or with family that asked me difficult biblical questions.. I felt strong in my walk; I knew my relationship with you was great.. But right now im confused..
God I adore you and love you but I feel wore out! I sit in 3 or 4 church services a week hearing the notes but never understanding the words.. So I make up songs for you.. I have thought of every possible prayer and word I can to sing for you.. I dance for you too! I pray for your people for hours as I prayer walks the streets, I have laid my hands on so many of your people its impossible for me to even remember there names.. I read your word now at all times of the day and write to you in my journal when im bored..
So why if I am so wrapped up in you do I feel so far away!!!
I know why, it’s because it’s not my routine.. I only know you when I have you in my box.. In my perfect little box I call my faith …. And now that my box is gone and I have to see you in a new way, sing to you new songs, dance in new places, help different people that I don’t necessarily feel called to help and read your word when I don’t normally read it I am LOST !! I can’t find you! I don’t have my box to look in anymore… Where are you! I can feel you! I know your there.. I hear you whisper to me sometimes… But I can’t find you..
I have to wait to hear from you, instead of me being able to just come to you when I so desire..
This is tough for me Jesus! Jesus can you wrap your arms around me tonight as I lay in bed and just hold me like you used to do? Please.. Let me seek you and find you.. Can you open the eyes of my heart so I can see you even when im looking through different glasses.. I’m having trouble.. I’m getting caught up in the now and not focusing on the relationship I so desperately love with you..
Come rain on me here God, I need you like the desert needs the rain this night..
No words Jesus just your embrace.. Let’s pretend in home in my warm bed with no ants on me distracting me and I sing to you and you come and fill my being with warmth and joy… I miss you..
I know it’s odd that I miss you when I know you’re here with me, but I miss our intimacy.. How can I spend more time then ever talking to you in prayer and not feel you even more? I’m confused Sweet Adonai..
Forgive me of any transgressions I may have committed against you, I come to you pure and innocent, looking only for your embrace.. Meet me tonight Precious Lord.. Surround me with your glory and love on me like you used to…
In your Holy name,
Amen
