I feel like my whole life can be summed up in a list of failures. Failure to run my business well, failure to ask for help, failure to measure up, failure to love those around me well, failure to extend grace, failure to make better choices, failure to keep from hurting people, failure to maintain relationships. One after another, year after year I continue to collect the failures, like a dusty album full of stamps hiding on the back of a shelf, just waiting to be pulled out, blown off, and slowly peeled open.
I am a very performance motivated person, and every time I fail I am utterly crushed because I didn’t measure up to the standards that I or others have set for me. I think that one of the reasons I so thoroughly crumble to pieces every time that I mess up or make a mistake is because I find my value in my ability to do, or not do, something well. The society that we live in is run by performance. We have grades and scores and charts and tests and scales and contests in place in every facet of our lives to measure performance. Things that give us a value based on a corresponding number or letter. These tests tell us if we are below, mid, or above-average, a failure or a success at the things we do. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with these systems, it is the weight that we have put on them to determine our value that hurts us. After a lifetime of tests and scores, expectations and pressures to succeed I often feel that it is awfully difficult to separate the value that we place on success or failure and the value that we place on ourselves. I think that the root issues with most of the things that I have struggled with in my life all come down to two things. Identity and value. Knowing who I am, and being okay with that.
My husband is amazing, and when I look at him I see a lot of characteristics that reflect who Christ is and who He calls us to be. He sees the world through a different lens, and when he looks at people he sees them for the broken and beautiful people they are and does a wonderful job of trying to not attach value to people based on their talents or failures and what they can do for him.
For a while now, and most prevalently last week, I have been struggling through a mix of emotions over certain things that have been going on in life. Yesterday I sat on the couch in our apartment in tears, crying about my failures and my inability to love others well. As I cried my husband wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear, “Kylie, none of those things define you, I don’t care how much money you make, how much you are able to accomplish, or how good or bad you are at something. You are the most important person to me in the world and I love you because you’re you, and for no other reason.” It was one of those moments that made me cry even harder, not because I didn’t believe what was spoken, but because I did. In that moment I felt loved exactly as I am, a broken and beautiful mess.
I feel like the Lord is there everyday just waiting to be heard above all of the noise and chaos of this world. And when we slow it down a little bit and take a breath He is there whispering the exact same words to us. “You matter to me, you are loved, not because of what you can do for me, but simply because of who you are.”
Every morning, before your feet hit the floor, I challenge myself and you to pause and take a moment to be grateful to the King of Kings for who He is and thank Him for loving us just the way that we are, broken and beautiful.
Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God…”
