It’s been a while since I’ve been home, and even longer since I’ve blogged. I have been off of the World Race for a year now. Literally, 365 days ago, today was the day that the Megabus pulled into the downtown Toronto bus station from New York City, where my squad had landed 3 days earlier and parted ways. Some of them scattered quickly, in a rush to get back home to their family, friends, and significant others, whom they had been away from for 11 whole months. Others lingered a little longer, less willing to split off from those that had become family with over the last year, knowing that as soon as the final goodbyes were said and the last hugs were given, life would yet again change in significant ways. There was no way of going back, no way of simply settling into the lives that they had left behind, or returning to the person they were before embarking on the race. Life was forever changed and they were going to have to go and invest their time, energy, and emotions into new people and places.
A lot has happened since that day. I began dating one of my squadmates, we got engaged 6 months later, married 3 months after that, and I moved to Midland, Texas immediately following the honeymoon. It’s been a great, but incredibly hard year. One filled with a lot of transition and change. It was hard to transition home when I knew that I wouldn’t be there for long. Hard to invest in people and a place that I knew I would be leaving again very soon, with no idea if I would ever be back for longer than a visit. It’s hard to be present, to Be In My Life, when I know that it’s less heartbreaking to hold everything and everyone at a distance. The less I invest the easier it is for me to walk away right? Or maybe I have it wrong. Maybe it’s the less I invest the less of a return I get. How have I not learned this lesson yet? The 9 months that I was at home I felt lonely. Lacking in community, it wasn’t the same as it had been on the race. But I was also scared of pursuing relationships to that depth, as I knew that I would be yet again leaving that place, and those people in the very near future.
So here I am, in Midland, Texas. I am a world away from my home and the community that I grew up in, in more than just terms of distance, and I am acutely aware of the fact that I am an outsider. People here are great! Don’t get me wrong. It’s just hard work to grow and develop relationships when you are the new kid in town. In fact, it’s downright exhausting. Everybody else has their friends already, nobody actually needs you. Sometimes, I feel as if I am trying to wedge my foot in the crack of a door, and am trying to push it open with all of my might so that I can squeeze myself through, only to find that when I do I am standing in the corner of an already crowded room, and there isn’t really space for me. I know that this isn’t true, but it is a really hard thing to do, to enter into an existing community.
I crave community, authenticity, and depth. I’m an extrovert, I love people! And it brings me so much joy and life just being with them! I miss the ease of relationship that I have with people back in Canada. The ability to just share space with someone and feel completely at home with him or her, no matter what I say or do. To have someone walk into my house without knocking, because that’s what we do. To be able to act like a complete goofball without fear of judgment or reproach, to go for walks, or grab a coffee, or watch movies, or drink wine, or sit and laugh together. I miss all of that. And to all those who are at home in Canada who I missed doing that with over the last year, who I missed being intentional with, who I could have spent more time with but didn’t, I’m sorry.
My husband Joey and I have some news, we have yet again settled into another somewhat short transitional period. We have applied for and been accepted to be alumni squad leaders for the World Race beginning in September 2015. Which means that we will only be in Midland for the next 9 months. And this time I am going to try grab hold of that lesson, and be present and invest as much as I can in the short time that I have here. I don’t want to be like the man with one talent, who went and buried it in the ground instead of using it, I want to invest what I have where I am, even if in the end it turns out that the parting is painful, the journey would have been worth it all.
For an update on what alumni squad leading will look like for Joey and I next year you can check out his latest blog here! http://joeywillis.theworldrace.org/?filename=squad-leader
