I’m going to be real for a minute…well, it might take more than a minute, but it’ll be worth it. Only in an environment that fosters honesty and vulnerability, one that is free from condemnation and judgement can a person truly open up and find freedom from their past. Lies that have been spoken about oneself and believed can be brought to the surface and dealt with, and beautiful truths and life can be spoken. You can find freedom from chains that have held you captive for years and actually walk in your true identity. A few people back home know my whole story, but for those of you who don’t here is the real ABOUT ME section.
I don’t even know where to start…..Where exactly does a testimony begin?
I grew up living a little bit of a weird life ….my dad was very nomadic and so I remember moving at least once every 2 years growing up, sometimes once a year, and sometimes more than that. We lived in family members basements, slept on my grandparent’s couches and in aunts and uncles spare rooms. We also rented houses, I remember one house that we only lived in for 2 months when I was about 5, and one house that we lived in when I was a baby was actually condemned.My dad is a little bit of a different guy, and was always coming up with different ideas to make money. My mom sold Christmas trees off of our front lawn for 3 years in a row when I was a baby, we ran ice cream carts, hot dog stands and sold cotton candy. For as long as I can remember I have been working. My brothers and I were also homeschooled for the first few years; the first time that I went to real school was grade 6. I remember not fitting in, moving around a lot and never settling anywhere is not really conducive to making friends, let alone keeping them. We grew up going to church, we were taught about God, my dad was even the youth pastor at one of the churches that we went to. But my dad is very Old Testament, he lives in the old covenant, and is therefore very legalistic. Not walking in grace but instead under the law. He would get into arguments with the pastors of the churches that went to, and eventually we would be asked to leave. And so after a while we just stopped going to church, we were taught that we didn’t need community or a church family, but instead that it was just you and God, just talk to God and read your bible and that’s all that you need. From that point on I drifted away from the God. Over the last 2 years I have learned that community is at the core of what God has for us. We can’t do it by ourselves, we need other people, real people, to love and to be loved, to encourage and to be encouraged, to worship with, to fellowship with and to grow with.
Struggles….
Over the years I have struggled with numerous things that have kept me from living in the fullness of God, I have believed lies about myself, and have hidden behind many masks. I have tried to meet needs in my life that can only truly be met by the Father’s love. Through all of this I have only struggled more, and been left feeling emptier than ever.
Self Image…
My dad was not the most loving of fathers; his job was to be the Provider. And he has a problem with body fat…..let’s just say he’s a sizist. When I was growing up it was a huge deal if I had any fat at all on myself, he would call me fat and grab me and pinch my “fat” if there happened to be any. I developed a poor self image and didn’t like myself at all. When I was about 13 I developed an eating disorder….. I thought that if I was skinny enough my earthly dad would love me and think that I was beautiful, tell me I was, and meet that need that I had inside of myself to be accepted by my father……it has never happened. I have struggled with bulimia and anorexia for over 15 years, and let me tell you, no matter how skinny you get it will never be good enough. True beauty comes from the inside. It doesn’t matter what you look like, it’s what is in your heart that matters. I know especially for women it is a real struggle to be thin. Media bombards us with the “perfect” image everyday and there is a lot of pressure and competition and judgement from peers. God is teaching me even still, because even today I struggle. He created us to be in His image, and if we are in His image then we are beautiful because He is beautiful.
Drugs, Drinking, & Partying…..
I never really fit in when I was in elementary school or high school, and it was really hard on me (as I am sure it is for everyone that is not accepted for who they are). Because I didn’t feel people liked me for who I was I felt like I need to be someone else. I tried everything to fit in. I started smoking, I started smoking marijuana, I started drinking and partying. All of this began a trend that continued for the next 10+ years. I felt empty and so instead of turning to God to fill that hole inside of me I started smoking more pot. I can honestly say that I was high for a good 6 or 7 years straight. I woke up in the morning and got high, I went about my day in a smoke induced haze, and I even went to bed stoned. I couldn’t get through a day just being myself, because I didn’t much like the person that I was and wanted to hide from the world, God, and reality. I would go out drinking all the time to clubs and bars and parties. It was the thing I lived for… marijuana and alcohol.
Guys…..
I was taught not to have sex before marriage. I was taught with a very legalistic approach, no reasons why, just that it was a sin and that you were only supposed to be with one person. And so I approached this area with a lot of fear. I really didn’t get involved with guys or even date anyone while I was in high school and it really was written on my heart that I wanted to save myself for marriage, but if you are not walking with the Lord then it is a lot more difficult as you try to do it on your own. I met this awesome guy in college and we were just friends for about a year before we got involved, and I have learned a lot since then concerning relationships and what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. This was an unhealthy one. We were two very wounded people, and our relationship didn’t revolve around the Lord and putting the other persons needs first, but instead our main concern was to get their own needs met. At the time, my mom and dad had just split after almost 30 years of marriage, my mom had moved out and life at home was more than miserable. My dad drank a lot and was incredibly bitter. I used this guy as an escape and a place to run whenever things were rough….which just so happened to last almost 2 years. It was toxic. I invested myself so much in the relationship that I lost my identity. It grew into something based on fear and manipulation….and even though most of the time I was unhappy I was so scared to be without this person that I had allowed control over me. My life revolved around this guy, I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. When that relationship ended I was devastated, I tried to replace it with another. I won’t live my life with regrets, but this incredibly poor choice was probably one of the worst ones I have ever made, it was a purely sexual relationship where I was broken and lost and desperate to get my needs met, and instead of crying out to God to do that I chose to have a “relationship” with someone else who I felt could meet my needs. My choice ruined my relationship with my younger brother (and best friend), my father, the guy that I was to put it in very blunt terms “using”……Why? Looking back now….hurt people hurt people….and I am so glad that my Lord and Saviour rescued me from the life that I had planned for myself. Soon after that relationship ended I got back together with the first guy. Again, it was toxic. We were still putting our own needs first, and a short 4 months later that relationship again ended. During this time my mom and I had been living together, my mom is an amazing and godly woman. She is absolutely full of grace and love, and I am so proud to say that my mom is my best friend. God used her to work in my life and steer me back to Him and the path that He had laid out for my life. His grace and redemption blows me away. It has been 2 years since the day I have chosen to walk the path that my Heavenly Father has laid out for me. I have surrendered my life to Him, I can honestly say that I have never felt more freedom; also life has never been more crazy (in a good way). God has me on this amazing adventure called life, I know that He has this amazing and incredible plan for me and I don’t want to settle for anything less than His will for my life….I learned this lesson the hard way…God needs to become the most important priority in my life, above anything else I want relationship with Him.
Having said all of this, I want to say that I have no regrets, as everything that I have been through has shaped the woman that I am today. My relationships with my dad and younger brother are still in a broken state, but there is grace and redemption for everyone, and so much freedom in forgiveness, and I believe with all my heart that God is working to restore them.
