About six months ago, month 4 of the Race during Cambodia (while fresh & embracing every trial that flew our way) one of my best friends challenged me to expose “myself” a bit more on my blogs. She didn’t do so with the intent of condemnation or saying I wasn’t being authentic enough, but that she desired to hear more of the raw details going on inside of me, not just around me.
Looking back, it wasn’t time for that. Oh, but how it is now! This past month has been one of my favorites and yet one of the toughest too. Favorites including God using us in crazy cool ways in a few short weeks, moving our team from disunity to unity, encountering supernatural breakthrough in conflict, and just the joy and freedom that lingers over being in Africa and experiencing the importance of relationship emphasized in their culture. Toughest, individually reaching a “breaking point” during month eight, while sensing the same from many on our squad.
One night in particular I pretty much exploded and couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was tired. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically from camping the past two month in tents (not realizing how much simply having a bed to fully rest in makes a significant difference in life, lol). Emotionally, feeling very alone in the responsibility of leading and feeling pressure to carry a lot of other’s burdens and needs that I had no control over changing or meeting. Spiritually, being exhausted from the despair and hopelessness in many of the situations we encountered in Swazi life, which they face on an average day in just trying to survive. I couldn’t do it anymore. In that moment I wanted to be anywhere but there, suffocating in being completely overwhelmed.
Yesterday God met me there. Though I know I’m exactly where I need to be and would never go home, the thought of continuing to travel long distances, lead, serve, etc. didn’t excite me to say the least. I’ve hit a point where I can no longer even think about living each day on my own. I have nothing left to give to anyone, my family, the people we serve, even myself. I wake up every single morning having to consciously make a decision that, “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it,” or I may not make it that day.
So, you’re probably wondering what I heard…
