Never before! Never before had I questioned the fact that I don’t wear make up. Oh sure, I might wear it for a wedding or perhaps a birthday outing or even when my roommate simply wanted to have fun by dressing me up but daily? It just wasn’t me.
I lay on the trampoline in absolute frustration at myself. I knew it was a lie. Deep down I really did believe that I was beautiful, yet the dynamic of being surrounded by 33 females for weeks on end had begun to eat at me. Don’t misunderstand! I loved being with so many women of the Lord. They are encouraging, loving, and fun. The difficulty lied in the deception from Satan. Such a simple lie. You could never be as beautiful as them. Just look at you, refusing to cover your flaws. Those flaws stick out. Everyone sees them.
The truth was this had been the first time in my entire life that I had only been around females. I grew up with brothers, great guy friends, and was even put on a coed team for the start of my race. When I found out how we would be doing a woman’s ministry month in Africa I had no clue that this time could bring about lies I hadn’t tackled before.
“Lord, I see this whole situation. I know it’s not true, but I am struggling so much to battle these thoughts.”
I went on for quite some time praying. I talked with Him about how I didn’t like make up on myself and how ridiculous the idea of suddenly wanting to wear it was. I knew myself well enough to know that if I chose to wear make up it would be because I was trying to impress others, not for any other reason.
“God I refuse to change who I am for praise from other people. Seriously though, how do I rid myself of these lies and how I feel because of them?”
I lay there under the mighty tree that umbrellaed the trampoline and waited for God’s response. He didn’t answer the question; He did speak to me.
“You are beautiful.”
It was my Savior’s voice. My heart sunk as I noticed a hard outer shell encasing my soul. It was blocking the very compliment I was suppose to receive from my Jesus in that moment. I didn’t understand how to rid myself of this wall. I felt defeated.
“Jesus, I need your help.”
Not having the strength to muster any more words on the matter, I left. Still wrestling with lies and even more distraught at the hard heart within me.
The day passed. In the evening our group of girls went to a cute little pavilion deck strung with white Christmas lights through the ceiling of planked wood. We were gathered to discuss the topic of shame, but in all reality I was still engulfed in my earlier encounter with the Lord and how to resolve the issue. The session went well. We took time at the end to process all that was said; I took time to rethink what had occurred that day. I continued to talk it out with the Lord.
“You know why I’ve never worn make up before. I just want people to appreciate who I am. I hate the idea of someone considering me beautiful if they only see how I look. I just want to be beautiful for who I am.”
“I wouldn’t have called you beautiful for any other reason.”
This was His reply to me.
It hit hard, hard enough to crack the stone layer outside of my heart. Just like that the wall crumbled away. A literal warmth flooded my being. Jesus had called me beautiful. Not because of anything that people around me saw, rather because He knew exactly who I was. It wasn’t a pity compliment from Him. It was a deep look into my soul and declaring it beautiful. I understood now. The very reason I would want anyone to call me beautiful is exactly what Jesus saw. All lies were put to death in the strength of the truth God lavished on me in that moment. Doubt had no dominion in my mind as I rested in the Lord’s love for me. It was a wonderful evening in which I laid my head on my pillow before going to sleep knowing I was beautiful in the eyes of my Creator.
Two days later we had the chance as a squad to go on an African Safari. I talked the night before with the Lord about how even during time off of scheduled ministry I wanted so much to see Him in the stunning ways He orchestrated this earth. The truck pulled up to a small cliff at the Kruger national park. Our driver Bernard mentioned to us that we were making this stop to take photos as a squad and enjoy the view.
My team has this awesome tradition that as we come to a place that touches us, we join together and sing the doxology. Kristen began gathering each team member together saying, “We need to sing the doxology here.”
I walked to the edge of the cliff and my heart began to pound as if I was back in middle school passing by a boy I was crushing on. I realized I was about to sing to the one who sees me as beautiful. The one I am in love with. The more I thought of my Jesus the quicker the pounding was. A final realization came to my mind: I was falling in love. The best part about it being, that the love I have for Him is only growing more intense as Jesus and I continue this life together.
