It’s time for a confession: I’m not as strong as I appear.
God proved this to me last night.
Many can attest to my blatant independence. In fact for years, I’ve known this to be one of the most evident struggles I have faced in my relationship with the Lord, learning how to depend on Him and not myself. Well, God brought me to a point where He knew I would hand over more of my independence to Him and end this façade of having it all together.
I certainly don’t like crying in front of people and this is exactly what I found myself thinking as I blubbered in front of a group of approximately seven other ladies about my progress and preparation with the World Race.
It’s true everything technically was going like a dream. Many have graciously been supporting me as I share with them my excitement of serving the nations in the name of Jesus. I’ve begun physically training and am almost finished finalizing my packing list. Training camp is a mere three months away and all circumstances have favored me. With all of this in its entirety going for me, I was a mess, but a hidden mess I remained. Past pains that I hadn’t expected were resurfacing and just as before I began to withdraw into myself. I put up walls that allowed my outside appearance to come across as stable. The Lord knew the truth. He also knew how I was harming myself by hiding behind my confidence.
Yes, last night God wrung me. He wrung me like a sopping rag that needed to be drained. For the first time in years, I cried in front of other people and just didn’t have the strength to wipe away the tears. I was brought back to a reminder that I hold very dear: blessing is anything that brings you closer to the Lord. Because of my pain, these wonderful Godly women in my life began to pray over me. My body still shook from crying. My nose was running like a fountain. I was a mess, a very loved mess.
Once again a very key point hit me: How can God be strong in me if I refuse to show my weakness? I needed my sisters in Christ to stand with me and so God took it upon Himself to force me into vulnerability with them. Another truth rings out: God knows me so much better than I know myself. He knew I needed more people to stand with me as I struggle. He knew I needed to be broken down.
I really don’t have it all together, but I know the One who does. I am reminded once again that it is through my weakness that I have the ability for Christ to be my only strength. Honestly, what could be more beautiful then feeling so exhausted from frustration that we are driven into the arms of our mighty God? I can’t say I desire for the pain to endure, but I am absolutely certain that through this, God is good. So very good to me.
I am praying for the ability to be weak. That through my weakness, God’s power might be revealed in ways I couldn’t have imagined before. I would also ask that you do the same. Allow the Lord to bring out your weakness so that He can work mightily in you.
To paraphrase some beautiful words of St. Patrick:
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ beside me
Christ within me
May my life bring glory to Jesus Christ alone.
