Remember a blog I wrote a while ago, talking about how you and I are going to get to know each other reeeeeal well over the next 11 months? Remember how I said I was going to be vulnerable and authentic, knowing thats the only way I’ll ever come through this year changed? …We’re about to have one of those moments….
I‘m so fond of community living right now.
I’m surrounded by some of the most amazing people walking around on the face of the planet… They desire growth. They long for truth. Their hearts are strong. They thirst for God’s presence, and they are intentional about serving Him.
The World Race is just like the vision I’d had for the next year of my life (read Seth Barnes Beat Me To It). I wanted this. I wanted the acceleration of getting to know one another and living this thing out together… it’s intensely beautiful. It truly takes the love of Christ to love one another purely here… because we sure don’t have that kind of love on our own.
And the greatest thing about community living is that you just can’t hide.
I‘m not fond of community right now. Yeah… its definitely a stretch.
The worst thing about it is that you can’t hide. You can’t escape. You can’t run and get very far. You want to crawl out of your own skin and find some relief somewhere, but you can’t. People are everywhere. You are exposed.
I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve literally wanted to pull my hair out in life. This is one of them.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love and respect these people, who are now my family. It has nothing to do with them. I love what we’re doing out here in Peru, and I love that we’ll be doing so much more all over the world– together. I love what God has done in my heart thus far, and how He’s revealed Himself… These last 37 days have been precious to me.
Maybe its just the heat.
Maybe its just the dusty dirt everywhere.
Maybe its the lack of Cheerios and milk in Chincha.
All I know is, I’ve had a few moments in the last couple of days that let me know… yep… it’s starting to happen.
It’s is a GOOD thing. Really. Because I can’t run away and bury myself in 24 or Lost. I can’t hop in my Volvo and take a drive to the beach to ‘get my thoughts clear’. I can’t have ‘space’ from people I’m struggling with. I have to sit in the heat of my tent in the middle of the day and confess to my friend why I’m so upset, and then learn how to keep living with a good attitude, full of joy and praying in every circumstance.
But, I’ll admit, my flesh just wants to find my shell (which my mom would need to get it out of my closet in Texas and send to me… I purposefully left it at home) and crawl into it for a while. Not for forever… just for a while. I’m learning how to deal when the past seems to manifest itself into new forms… And when that which was so sensitive then, shows up in a similar, familiar form now… And though you don’t want to admit it, the truth is, it still hurts.
Almost, almost makes you want to withdraw a little.
But really… what good would that do?…
Pearls are formed with two things: a lot of pressure and irritation, and a lot of time. Coarse sand rubs against them constantly over years to remove the impurities and form a smooth, polished jewel…. and if they don’t go through that process, then they’ll never be pure and beautiful.
When I grow up, I want to be one of those.
I know I’m not the first World Racer to experience this.
I know I’m not the first follower of Christ to experience this.
And I know I won’t be the last. So while I’m loving community living for all that it is, I’m also struggling through that which makes it so beautiful.
I like not having the comfortable crutch of my shell here, just so you know. Without it, I actually have to be the person I’m becoming.
I‘m taking it a day at a time. The big picture, and the grander scheme of things, hold promises for my freedom and growth, praise the Lord. And if I really want those things, I have to be willing to accept the process. Real growth doesn’t happen in a microwave. So I’ll just leave my shell in Texas. I won’t be needing it here.
