So I know I need to post a blog. It has been a long time, and trust me its not that I have a lack of stories to tell, it’s just that I have reached that point I never thought I would actually hit. I call it the “chronic exhaustion” phase. This is the phase that you often hear about and it comes around month 8 or 9 on The Race, and for me it is hitting me the hardest this month, month 9. There are only 2 more months to go after this, and then I’m back in The States. The problem is: I am ready to go back to America. It’s not that I necessarily want to go back, or dislike the Race, or think that God doesn’t have anything left for me to experience abroad; I’m simply just tired.
Not the kind of tired where you take a nap and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go, but the kind of tired that no matter how much you sleep you just want to sleep more. The kind of tired where during the free moments of the day you just zone out and can’t track where your head is going. The kind of tired where your body is listless and dragging and sitting down on the cold hard concrete feels like the most comfortable thing in the world. The kind of tired where it is okay if rain cancels your ministry because you just need to be a blob and do nothing. The kind of tired where you know you should feel guilty for your apathy, but you just don’t- because the truth is you are more than just tired; you are EXHAUSTED. Chronically. It never goes away.
This kind of exhaustion makes you smile with slightly less enthusiasm and it takes you an extra second before you enthusiastically volunteer for something. It makes you second guess wanting to do something nice for someone because of the extra energy it will take just to wash their plate. It makes you want to have shorter team times and not bring up conflict during feedback because you don’t know if you have the energy to invest in anyone else- hekk you don’t even have the energy to invest in yourself. (And it’s not that you’re an unhygienic person, the reason you haven’t showered in three or four days is because you don’t have enough energy to go hide behind the sheet metal and blankets to pour ice cold water over yourself. You are so tired that even bucket showers are hard work.) It makes you not write blogs because whatever free time or energy you do happen to have you want to devote to relaxing, or doing something more personally fulfilling ( something you have been craving- like a sketch or painting that you haven’t been able to do since you started the race.) Chronic exhaustion makes you want to listen to sermons, read the Bible and pray all day- not because you want more of Jesus, but because it is easier to isolate yourself and sit and do those things than to try and engage with other people. It makes you not only ready to go to bed at any moment during the day, but ready to go home to sleep in your real bed, with all your comfy body pillows, in your own private room, in the familiarity of a place where everyone knows you, speaks your language, and you can go to your fridge and pig out on whatever food you want.
It makes you want what is easy. It makes you want what is comfortable.
And at this point you are ready to go home because you are content. You have seen God heal, you have seen miracles, you have experienced incredibly rich and heartwarming moments of experiencing God. You have watched His love pour into complete strangers and have even been a part of making that happen. You have held orphans and street kids, you have prayed for drug addicts, alcoholics, and the homeless. You have visited the forlorn and forgotten in their homes and given them a ray of light and hope. You have helped teach English, given your testimony, and gone to more churches more times than you could even count. You are closer to God now than you feel like you have ever been before, you have grown, and you have learned incredible lessons about yourself. You have enough confidence in your new identity and redefined faith that you are even excited to go home and test how well you can continue to live in His presence away from the constant community and fellowship. You are ready to go home because the Race has been good to you, and if it were to end now, it would be enough. But the truth is, God has MORE.
I am ready to go home, but I won’t because I know God has more for me. I will keep pressing in and keep investing in people. I will keep serving, I will keep loving, I will keep going to ministry AND I WILL FIND JOY IN ALL OF IT, because it is worth it. Because the great thing about God is that even when you think you have had enough, when you feel full to the brim, our gracious Father still has more to bless you with. He has more He wants to give you and teach you. God doesn’t want us to just be filled up, he wants us to OVERFLOW with his love and blessings and joy. God wants to give us more because there is always more for us to give. And even though I am tired, am chronically exhausted, I will not settle for easy and comfortable. Even though I may feel more empty than full, I know the Lord will be my portion and my strength. I will continue to see the luminous moments in each and every day, and I will await the coming days with eager anticipation.
For all you kiddos who are about to launch or are freshly on the 11 month journey, this is the new and exciting part, enjoy it. You are probably thinking that you could never feel what I am explaining, but at some point, I assure you, you will. But please remember, that it’s okay to feel tired. And for all you who have been on the field for a while and also feel like you are ready to go home, know that that’s okay too. But keep pressing in, keep serving and loving and finding joy in every day and every moment that the Lord blesses us with on this Race. Because the Lord has more for us. And what a shame it would be if we missed out on the more. This is when the loving and the investing means the most, because this is when it’s the hardest. So I will not go home and I refuse to give into easy, comfortable, apathy. Because I WANT MORE.
