I was lying on the floor curled up in a ball, clutching my knees in the same position I had been lying in all day long and for the entire day before. I was surrounded by darkness- not because my eyes were closed, or because my curtains were drawn, but because all l could hear were dark whispers. But the dark whispers became louder, until they consumed me. They lied to me, telling me I was worthless, a failure, that I had never achieved anything of value, and never would. I felt empty, void. I was hopeless and desperate, believing I did not matter and no one cared about me. The devil took hold of all my insecurities and deepest fears and isolated me so they were all I could hear. And it worked. I became nothing.
After I finally dragged myself up off the floor, I went back into the world, lifeless. I went back to class because I had to. I was around people because I had to be, but I did not bother investing in anything or anyone. I had nothing to give, no more energy to exert nor the will or reason to try. I felt like a ghost, invisible and without impact, and what was worse- I accepted and adopted that false identity.
Eventually all I could do to keep myself going, was sing. As I went back and forth between classes on my bicycle, I sang. As I walked around thinking to myself, I sang. Even though I felt sad and empty, I sang. The amazing thing was that even though I was depressed, my heartsong came out as a worship song. When I had nothing left, all I could do was repeat the same words that I had sung many times to God before. It was my default- all I had left. But as I sang praise and worship to God, my step gained some more bounce and my heart was filled with more joy. The Light began to pervade the Darkness and I was able to see and become a part of the world again.
I decided that I had spent enough time thinking about and crying over myself. I decided there were too many other people that I could invest in, too many other people that needed help and love in this world. I realized that it wasn’t about me. I wanted to forget myself. So I decided to become a missionary. I decided to travel the world to find others that I could focus on. And I did become a missionary, and that is how I am on the World Race in Thailand now. But as much as I tried to forget myself, God never forgot about me. And as I was kneeling in worship, I heard God speak to me.
He told me, “ You are enough. I am proud of you.” And I wept.
God affirmed that I could do nothing to earn his love, because I already had it. He told me that He is proud of me because I am His daughter and His loved child– NOT because of anything I had done or would do. He gave me all of my value back. He told me that I am a success and can never lose that- can never be a failure, simply because He loves me. I AM ENOUGH. And this is something God continues to pour into me everyday. He strengthens my identity in Him. He strengthens my value and assures me of my worth. And when I feel isolated from the rest of the world, it is not because I am alone, it is because I am holy. It is because I am set-apart for Christ.
And the beautiful thing is, He is trying to tell you the same thing everyday too.
But you have to stop listening to the lies, and let the Light overcome the Darkness.
Know and believe: You are not worthless.
You can never be a failure, for there is no condemnation in Christ.
You are not alone. God sees you and knows you.
God loves you.
YOU ARE ENOUGH. Just as you are.
You are ENOUGH.
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Testimonies are powerful, and it is a bit overwhelming because I am realizing that even my own simple story gives God great glory.
It’s an incredible thing to realize that even though I consider myself so insignificant sometimes, and as though I don’t have super impactful story- the truth is that I am valuable, and even despite a language barrier I have a story of redemption that people can relate to and find hope from.
There is so much beauty in who I am, in the struggles and the darkness, and it is all because of something so much greater than myself.
Its empowering, and humbling, all at the same time.
So be brave. Be encouraged. Tell your story, Because you never know whose life it will change.
All Praise and Glory to God! To my Daddy! To my Savior!
