To explain how surreal my current reality is, and the odd conflicts of of emotion that all seem to neutralize one another, is a task that is quite unachievable. I find myself not knowing how to process all that has happened in such a short amount of time, and as such I am finding an even harder time writing about it. All my past few blogs have come so easily, written amidst a fervor of being empassioned with the Spirit. Now, I am about to embark in the greatest adventure of my life so far- dedicating a year to the unknown, backpacking all over the world, in my attempt to be faithful to God's call. This is an exciting time of beginnings, and as I write this I am on a plane to Tokyo on my way to the Philippines, about to begin my life of service and ministry as a missionary. And yet, even during such a wonderful time, I am finding it hard to write. Hard to think. And the fiery passion that ensnared me before is now abated by a simple peace. I don't think I have many specified expectations that I have identified, (mostly because I know God is going to blow me away with miracles and happenings beyond what I can even imagine) but I admit, this ease is not what I was expecting to feel.
I would not go so far as to call my "lack" of current passion an apathy or indifference, but it is a sensation of feeling no anxiety or nerves. And this I am not accustomed to. I am used to being on a high of emotions, either good or bad, and I usually experience them to an extreme. So it frightens me when I do not feel them so passionately, and I cannot help but think that something is wrong with me- that only some kind of funk can explain it. But I think the real explanation is that I am afraid; afraid that if my emotions are not leading me, I do not know what will. This fear, this dependency on my emotions has just been a cover for a greater and more dangerous insecurity: a lack of complete trust in the Lord.
As I said before, this lack of extreme emotion, used to confuse me. I thought it meant that something was wrong. But recently someone very dear to me told me that I don't ALWAYS have to feel an emotion, or any emotions so intensely. This comment took me aback, and even though I didn't want it to, even offended me a little. As a 19 out of 20 Feeler on the Meyers-Briggs scale, I am on the extreme end of always feeling greatly. While this blesses me with great empathy, it also means I am an emotional wreck most of the time. The comment offended me because I know it is right.
I do not know how to be at peace. I have put this pressure on myself that I need to be ecstatically rejoicing a celebration, or deeply lamenting some sort of injustice. And that is exhausting! But as I sit on this double-decker airplane complete with hundreds of movies and music and Bejeweled, I don't find myself jumping with excitement or deflated with depression of all the Darkness I am about to fight. I am just calm, and serenely at peace. Because for once, I know I am exactly where God wants me to be. I have followed His call and have trusted Him completely. And the reward is a content soul. (For now, haha.)
SO my followers at home, are you at peace? If not, I urge you to look for areas in your life that God is calling you, an to trust and follow His voice without question. Because only when we are Biblically operating completely within the will of God can we experience that blissful peace. Only when we listen, and do what God wants for us and not what we want for ourselves, will serenity ensue. Only then will there be no conflict, internally or externally. And only then can we find peace. And maybe like me, you need to learn to embrace peace, to sit with it, to sit with God and be content.
