It’s overcast and cold but I’m loving it. Surrounded by lush and dense green forest, my visibility of the cloud swept looming mountain ranges goes in and out, making capturing the perfect photograph quite a challenge. The words urban and concrete are practically nonexistent here and the steel and metal of the train itself feels like a foreign intruder amongst the nature. An eight hour train ride through Alaska, from Anchorage to Denali, means I have a bit of reflection time to accompany the beautiful scenery and ever-present green.
I am in one of the most beautiful states in the country, on a lovely vacation and about to embark on my first cruise. I have had the freshest and most flavorful seafood I have ever tasted in my life, and I should be enjoying every moment. But the sad truth is that I am not. In fact, I have been an unappreciative brat for most of this trip, have spent too much time frustrated and bickering with my parents. And I can chalk it up to being hormonal and tired or whatever, but the truth of the matter is that the real problem is a deeper one.
The truth of the matter is that this whole trip disgusts me. It is so lavish, so expensive, and for that reason I want to hate it. Granted, I am not paying for any of it- it is a 25th anniversary gift for my parents to themselves and a 23rd birthday present to me, but that actually makes it worse. The thought of the cost of every experience we have and will pay for utterly sickens me. Spending $40.00 per plate of fancy seafood makes me want to spit out every savory bite, but my ecstatic taste buds win the fight. The premium rates of a single night in each hotel we stay in, and the exorbitant prices we pay for every tourist trap experience add up to an outrageous amount that is more than what I currently have in my bank account.
So why am I not happy? Why am I not incredibly thankful for every way that my parents are spoiling me? Sadly, I know it is money. Money is making me bitter and frugal. Money, the very thing we are supposed to renounce as comparatively unimportant is the very thing that seems to be ruling my life right now. Why? Because I know that I am struggling to raise $15,000 for a year as a missionary on The World Race. As sad as it is I am actually incredibly dependent on money to make it possible for me to serve and love on others in poor countries. To save them from darkness, prostitution, etc. I need monetary support to make my going possible. So every penny spent on me makes me cringe because I just want to donate it all to my missionary fund. I know that the amount we spend on this vacation could easily fund over a third of it. But this vacation was also planned and paid for long before I even knew what The World Race was. And it makes me sad because I just want to pay 3 dollars and buy dollar menu food and save the rest for my trip.
Mostly it makes me feel like a hypocrite. It hurts and I am offended when people can’t sacrifice their next few days of Starbucks to donate even $20 to my cause. It is obvious to me that supporting a missionary is so much better and more worthy than supporting their caffeine addiction. Or movie addiction. Or whatever superfluous thing they are spending money on. I take it personally when they don’t realize the same idea that seems so basic to me and it is frustrating. This vacation is just proof that even my family seems to be living contradictory to a focus on Christian priorities. Therefore ,living this lifestyle that goes against my current ideals is really hard for me. And I don’t like it. So I’m making it miserable. I’m being cranky and having a bad attitude as a part of my protest. But that is wrong! So wrong! I am being irresponsible and petty having pity parties for myself. I should be thankful and praise God that He can bless my family and me with a wonderful vacation together before I leave for a year.
I need to realize that when God is blessing me, I don’t need to feel guilty because other people are living harder lives. I need to realize that God is blessing me out of his goodness and his grace, and I should not say thank you by being bitter and grumbling about it. Just like when God delivered the Israelites, and they complained that they would rather go back and be slaves to the Egyptians than be free in the wilderness, I too am being ridiculously unappreciative of the blessings bestowed on me. I need to accept God’s grace and be graciously humbled and thankful. But how do I find the balance? How do I not live from one extreme to the other? How do I both accept my blessings and not be overcome by materialism?
And yet I think this insecurity with money and material blessings stems from a much larger insecurity, the same one that causes me to not take compliments well. It is the idea that I do not deserve any of it. Why is God giving me all these good and wonderful things to an excess when there are so many who need and deserve it more than I? Why do I get to have gourmet food when children all over the world are on their fourth or fifth day without a single grain of rice? What have I done to be worth this?
Nothing. The truth is that through my sinful and corrupt nature I don’t deserve any of it. I have done nothing worth the ways I have been incredibly blessed. But that is where God and grace comes in. The beauty of how much he loves and blesses me is emphasized by how much I don’t deserve it. But I should not resist God of the gifts he wants to give. When someone tells me I am beautiful I shy away with an insincere “thanks”. I don’t deserve it. I have done nothing to make myself look this way. I had literally no choice or influence in the matter. It was all God’s doing. But that what makes it so wonderful. I am entirely God’s doing. And that should be something I cling to in confidence and use to glorify the Lord! I should proudly proclaim thanks for everything and let it fill my heart with joy.
So this vacation is the same. I should have a good attitude full of joy and thankfulness for every way in which God and my parents are blessing me. So with that, Alaska cruise, here I come with new intention and joy. God please help to take away the guilt and bitterness and give me a heart that is full of you. I am ready to be in awe of you, your mercies, your blessings, your grace in a place full of your natural wonders and glories.
