Have you ever noticed how in all the stories, movies and fairy tales there's always this hero who relentlessly chases after the love of his life. The hero faces up to numerous challenges, endures hardships, even pain and suffering, just to reach the one he loves. Haven't you always wanted to live in such a fairy tale? Haven't you at some point in your life wanted to be the Hero? Have you ever wondered what your life would look like if your fairy tale came true?
Image still from The Princess Bride
Welcome to my fairy tale. I am the Hero; God is the One I'm chasing after. Christ is my prize. Think about it: the very thought of giving up everything to follow after your heart; leaving friends, family, jobs, a comfortable life behind; to endure hardships, suffering, even pain; all in the name of love. To lay down one's life willingly to give to those less fortunate, to love on children who have never been loved before, to declare to people that there is a hope and that there is Someone who loves them so much that He rescued them from their tragedy. This all sounds so romantic, doesn't it? You can't tell me that you've never thought about your life being a heroic, romantic story like this.
This is my story; this is the idea I've been chasing for so long. When we arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand, I was so excited and ready to start this romance with God. I was so ready to jump into danger, to endure anything that was thrown at me. I expected to face hardships and maybe even some sufferings along the way. But I was not ready for what God was trying to show me. I expected my romance to play out quite differently. So, when we received from Emmi our ministry assignments, I was pumped, I was ready, and then, I was crushed. I expected that we'd do something heroic: love on kids in the slums; befriend prostitutes, ladyboys and even the customers who were purchasing them; or even help out in the cafe so at least we were "doing" something. But, then I heard our assignment: Worship.
Now, if you know anything about me, I have been leading worship in various capacities for about 10 years now. So, you would think that I would be excited about this ministry, right? Well, I wasn't. I was at first, but then we found out that this ministry has never existed, we were the first. We weren't given any guidelines, we weren't told what we had to do, and our ministry could be anything that we wanted it to be. You also may know that I don't do well with open-ended, broad elements. I like structure. I like rules. I like to know how to get from Point A to Point B, connect the dots, show your work, and have the right answer in the end. This particular ministry shattered every single one of those.
So, needless to say, the first few days were absolutely miserable for me. We sat around as a team and tried to come up with a schedule, an agenda (in some ways), and a structure on how we were going to worship, but God seemed to completely blow those ideas out of the water. I learned, too late I might add, that God had a different purpose for us in this ministry. For me, He wanted me to Worship Him. I know that doesn't make sense, but I realize now both the simplicity and the depths of what our ministry was all about.
The ironic thing about all this is that I said exactly the very thing God was trying to show me this month in the very first days of being in Thailand. The squad spent the first few days learning to be vulnerable, to be completely open and honest with one another. We were encouraged to lay everything out in the open before our brothers and sisters. So, I did. I admitted that for the longest time I have been afraid to walk in freedom. I have been afraid to be vulnerable, to be authentic. You see, as a worship leader, you tend to learn to suppress your own emotions and hide away your own sins and struggles so that others can have the freedom to deal with their junk. As a worship leader, I did just that. I've learned to hide my junk, to suppress my needing to come into brokenness, so that others can come into brokenness before God. I've tried so hard to provide an environment of freedom for others that I've forgotten that I have been called into freedom as well.
I've realized this too late in this ministry, but at least I now realize it. Our team has definitely had an adventure of trying to figure Worship out. The thing is, you never figure it out. There are no real guidelines for worshiping God, you just worship Him. We've spent the month worshiping God through our own quiet times, through prayer walking, through worshiping Him openly at the city gate for all the world to see, through praying over our squad as a whole as they go out to minister to people, through providing others with the opportunity and the environment to be open and vulnerable before God, and through being vulnerable ourselves. So, in some ways, we are modern day Levites.
I've realized that I have fallen in love with the idea of God, but have lost my love for God Himself. I've fallen in love with the romance story instead of God. I've tried so hard for years to chase relentlessly after God only to come up empty-handed. Why? Because I strongly believe that we can become so busy doing the works of God, that we forget about God. What kind of heroic, romantic story is that? To endure all things with the idea of being united with your one, true love, only to come up short in the end. That's not the kind of story I want to live. I want to love God, and then because of my love for Him to fight, to endure all things, so that I can have more of Him and love Him more.
I cannot tell you how extremely blessed we are. We have raised to date $26,890! We are just over $4,100 away from being fully funded! How awesome our God is. We want to thank you all so much for supporting us, praying for us and lifting our squad up. We cannot do what we do without you. Thank you for being willing to serve God and to further His Kingdom. We know that God has and will continue to provide for us. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you!
