September 8th was the first day of launch and the first full day away from home. At launch, all 300 gap year racers of 2017 gathered together in Atlanta, Georgia to do some last minute ministry and safety training. The first couple of days at launch were much more difficult for me spiritually and emotionally than I had originally anticipated. Although the environment was amazing and seeing my squad was great, I quickly discovered the difference between the thought that something that I think is a really cool idea and something that I truly desire to do. I did not want to leave the comfort of home. I wasn’t afraid of what was to come, I simply did not want to go. This was not a fun state for me to be in because I knew that this was exactly what God was calling me to do right then.
As launch continued, I found myself spending a great deal of my time in prayer asking God why He couldn’t call me to something easier, or for a shorter amount of time, or even closer to home. As I prayed and prayed, I was constantly reminded of Luke 22 when Jesus is praying in the garden before His arrest, “‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.’ And there appeared to Him an angel from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in agony He prayed more earnestly; and His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” I have it so easy. Jesus was about to be hung on a cross for something that He didn’t do and still His words at “your will be done”, while I was struggling to say those words when I get to travel the world, go on adventures, and experience new cultures, all while serving the Lord. I trust the Lord and slowly I began to desire this call that He had placed on my life.
All was good as launch came to an and we began to travel to our first country, but Satan wasn’t quite done yet. As soon as I felt secure in one thing, he attacked somewhere else. As my desires shifted and began to align with God’s will, fear began to set in. I started to stress myself out about being away from home for 9 months not knowing what was to come and I found myself asking whether or not I was cut out for this at all. Again I found myself in prayer and it was while on the phone with my mom that I was reminded of one of my favorite chunks of scripture. Isaiah 41:9-10 reads like this, “you who I took from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest corners, saying to you, ‘you are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off’; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. I have been called on this amazing journey and there is no reason for me to be afraid, because God can handle it.
The less afraid I grew the easier I found it to be present with people and enjoy the now. On our way to the first ministry sight in Nsoko, Swaziland, we had quite a long layover in Doha, Qatar where we got the chance to explore the city together as a squad and experience a culture unfamiliar to each of us. Doha was such a beautiful city full of amazing architecture, but the most fascinating thing of all was the beauty in the eyes of the people. For the most part, they were a creamy brown color each with a unique sparkle and depth. If while in that place I spent my time worrying about wanting to be elsewhere afraid of what I did not know, I would have had a much less fruitful experience.
