Hi friends! I am now in Africa and wifi is extremely difficult to find. My new team AFRICANLOVEYOU have been running a kids camp all month In Zimbabwe. We have one more week before we cross over to Swaziland!
I wrote this blog in Bulgaria, right before we left for debrief and haven’t had a chance to post it. The Lord has been teaching me so much through His word and especially through community. To be quite honest it’s been hard for me to share as im juggling a bunch of emotions as this season in my life comes to an end and a new one begins in 9 weeks! (Home sweet home)
A theme on the Race that many people get caught up in is “processing.” We find ourself hiding in the corners of coffee shops for hours every chance we get to journal and process with the Lord. Trying to figure out exactly what we are walking through or what Papa is trying to teach us.
There are so many great and wonderful things that come from processing. We should all be doing it, evaluating each season or new circumstances we go through. It helps us to heal from necessary endings and grow maturly in who we are.
I’ve processed through a lot of emotions on the race so far and still have along ways to go. This adventure has been an whirlwind. We move so fast from one location to the next. When a new country starts to feel comfortable and you start building relationships with people, you are packing your bags the next day. It’s hard and my brain often feels like it can’t keep up.
I haven’t really blogged much since May, I’ve had a couple of hard months in ministry and emotion baggage ive had to face. Since then I’ve felt a bit paralyzed. Kind of like when too much is happening around you and inside you that your brain just sort of shuts off cause you are afraid of what’s happening and going to happen.
I’ve honestly been a bit fearful to sit down and start blogging about what I’m walking through.. Writing (especially blogging) is a pretty despearte endeavor, because it is about some of our deepest needs and thoughts.
So here I am in Zimbabwe, Africa with a new team and fresh revelation of what I’ve been learning and walking through this year. I’ve been able to sit with God in prayer and walk out some new ways.
I have a deep need to be visible, to be heard, to make sense of my life, to wake up and grow and belong. As there is nothing wrong with these needs, my problem is that I run into the enemy of perfectionism.
A recent book I read defines perfectionism perfectly:
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life and its like a main obstacle between you and the world.
It’s based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.”
Im realizing that naturally my body, mind and soul, with out even knowing it cramp up around my wounds- painful wounds from my childhood, the losses and disappointments of adulthood and the humiliation suffered in both. So to keep myself from getting hurt in the same places again, perfectionism is one way to keep new substances out. I go days and weeks moving through life in a tight worried way that keep me backing away from life and experiencing it in an immediate way.
How do I break this chain? How do I say ok to life and ok to who I am and what I desire? it’s a question Ive asked myself a lot this year.
I think we go many years protecting and preserving what we think to be the best parts of ourselves when they are always the parts we struggle againsts. They make us weird or different, not in a good way. They are our child-like sides, not most productive or logical, just true. Real and simple regardless of how much value they add.
Jesus is relieving me of some of this perfectionism. I’m allowing him to love me and embracing the person i am- tender, whimsical and bold. The Lord created all my pure thoughts, emotions and dreams and being okay with that and living from that platform is when I start truly living. I’ve been so enlightened this year by many individuals who have encouraged me to tap into just how big God is. To take my body-shaming and comparison away and rejoice in how he created me. Too many times Ive relied so much on my own self and have been limited to true intimacy and true freedom.
Being ok with who you are and not being the best is what will set you free- free to do God’s will and never look back. To move forward with out hesitation about the future and the fact that no one has it figured out. I will always be evolving and forever broken until I meet my Savior.
While seeking I’ve found that the Lord is constantly giving me courage and the stamina to keep going and beat perfectionism. Big sloppy messes have value and if you mess up the first time it’s never over, it’s only the beginning.
The more we try to live a perfect life for God the more we recognize our failings. He doesn’t want our perfect he wants us to reflect who He is.
i am excited to be on a journey being freed from perfectionism. Walking with the Lord not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Trusting him with my future and not being afraid to fail or be rejected. To be known and to make an impact.
Please be praying for provision and clarity for my future as I’m about to enter into a new season. The Lord is always preparing us in ever season for the next and after this beautiful journey around the world, I’m seeking peace and provision for what is next for me. Thank you thank you!
“There is an abundant need for your exact brand of beautiful.”
– Lyssa TerKeurst
Untill next time,
jordan
