So I'm typing this post in Vang Vieng, a little town in Northern Laos. My new team and I took off for a few days to check out the mountains that we've been hearing about. Some of the ministry we had fell through so we were able to have a few days off as a team. But even as the ministries fall through sometimes on the race.. it is good to remember that God isn't surprised by that. He has us up here as a team for a reason and it's comforting to know that. I've been thinking a lot these past few days. A lot. Reflecting back on the trip thus so far, where I've come from, where I'm at and where I'm going.. and if I can be honest with you all it's been bringing me quite a bit of stress. When I look back on my growth in Christ these past 8 months I get so unsatisfied. The times of reflection are often times of frustration, disappointment and even hopelessness. I think about how hard this whole "trusting in God" thing is for me still. I think about how long it still takes me to turn to prayer and admit my dependence on God. I think about how often I still try and figure out things with the power of self and neglect the grace of God. I think about how I still have a tendency to be selfish, look to to the bare minimum to get by and the laziness that permeates my bones. I think about how I still cringe at the idea of getting feedback, or giving it. I think about how hard it is for me to love without any expectation of getting loved back. How can I not feel a sense of hopeless after looking at myself and seeing these things?
.. then there is the voice of my Shepard telling me to stop. Stop looking and placing hope in myself, because that is my first problem. I'm reminded this morning that if my eyes and hope are on myself, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. But if the fix of my gaze is on the author and perfecter of my faith, Jesus himself, who repeatedly calls me to take on his yoke because it is easy, calls me to carry his burden that is light.. then I literally feel the muscles in my body relax, and I begin to rest in him.
God is reminding me over and over that transformation into Christ likeness is not solely dependent on me. Why? Because God is the one in me causing me to work and will for His glory. God is not only the One who created me.. but He is also the one who re-created me in Christ. And He is just as committed to that re-creating than He was to the creating. The old me is dead and the new me is alive. That's the gospel. And it's this loving Father who promises me that He'll complete the work of painting the image of His Son over mine more clearly. He's holding the brush, not me.
"An we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Rom 8:28
And here's His purpose..
"For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." Rom 8:29
As I sit here in the early morning of Laos and ponder these things .. I'm reminded that my hope doesn't come from some track record I can look at. "This month I saw a lot of growth, but not so much in this one.." Even when I feel like I take two steps back some months, it doesn't matter. My hope is firmly rested on the truth of the gospel and on the God who promises me that He is the one sculpting and chiseling my flawed image into a perfect one. He is the one who holds the power to transform, not me. Slowly but surely, He is chiseling. All I have to do is carry on in obedience and dependence. He'll do the rest.
So if you're anything like me, be reminded this morning to stop tinkering withyour soul so much. Yes, discipline is good, reading your bible more is good, fasting is good, working out your faith with fear and trembling is good. But don't place ultimate trust in that, because those things aren't holding the brush. Trust and welcome the Spirit to continue to paint the image of your messy self-portrait into a masterpiece. "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Eph 2:10
