Who would have thought that uncovering an idol labeled Performance would cause such a devastating blow?
The answer is, definitely not me! Or at least I wouldn’t have thought so. But as the truth of that reality sunk in I found myself crumbling.
For months I had fought lies of being unworthy, unseen, and forgotten. I couldn’t seem to shake the lies, and no matter what words I prayed, I couldn’t seem to find the root.
Until the middle of last month. I sat in my favorite coffee shop asking the Lord what was holding me back from ministering to those around me in more effective ways. The answer rang so clearly: You have to allow yourself to be broken.
No, Jesus! Anything but that.
For so long I have placed my identity in being all things for all people. I will love people and serve people beyond my breaking point. I will go until I’m empty and then keep going some more.
I have allowed myself to believe the lie that I am only as good as what I can do for people. Or that if I allow people to see any sign of weakness in me, they will completely vanish.
I knew I was “running on fumes” last month. I was tired. But so were my team mates and my squad mates. As I usually do I listed off many reasons for me to continue to pour out and stop focusing on me.
I knew if I could just keep going for a couple of weeks it would be debrief and I would be able to take a few days to rest. Maybe I could even ask our squad coach or mentor how I can continue to love those around me well but still give myself time to be filled back up. So I continued ministry on empty for two weeks with the promise of debrief on the horizon.
During the first night of debrief we were given the opportunity to have our squad mates pray for us if we needed. All we had to do was raise our hand and somebody would come over and pray with us.
I didn’t want to raise my hand, but the Lord kept urging so I listened eventually.
I raised my hand and one of my dear friends on the squad offered to pray for me. She held me in her arms and started speaking to every single lie Satan had been trying to plant in my heart. As soon as she finished praying for me she told me that she felt like the Lord wanted me to spend time with Him kneeling at the cross. But everything inside me screamed NO!
So there I sat paralyzed with fear at the thought putting myself in a position of brokenness in front of people I knew and loved.
As debrief continued it seemed as though every session had something to do with performance. I couldn’t hide from it even if I wanted to.
Towards the end of debrief, I was in a one on one with my squad mentor trying to steer the conversation clear of the deep performance issues the Lord was revealing to me. But she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me: “How are you making sure you take care of you?”
There is nothing in that simple question that should be Earth shattering. But as I sat across from her, realizing that she wouldn’t let me dodge the question like I usually do with so many people, tears welled up in my eyes and my throat threatened to close on me.
It’s humbling to realize that at 24 years old you don’t know how to separate your true identity from your actions for others. Somehow in my mind letting people down in any way has become the equivalent of being a failure.
Throughout this month I have spent time trying to answer that question. To be honest I was having a hard time figuring out why it was such a big deal until a few days ago.
Our contact had taken us to a nearby town to help a single mother garden. I had the job of taking up weeds from a patch of garlic that had already been planted. From the time I was young, my family has had a garden so I was sure I would be able to sort out the weeds from the plants.
But as I looked at the garden I saw that it was completely overtaken by the weeds. There were so many areas where the garlic had become entangled by the weeds and I could hardly tell where to dig up without accidentally pulling up some of the garlic. As I continued pulling up weeds I was reminded of a picture one of my teammates got for me towards the beginning of the Race:
You’re laying in a field— as the sun rises over you there is pain and discomfort because the light is exposing parts of you that you were unaware of— soon the warmth comforts you as you let the light sink in instead of hiding yourself from it. You will be emptied and filled. You are being prepared for a new season of growth and leadership, but you must be pruned first and rid yourself of old habits, old strongholds, and bad fruit. Do not curse the Gardener who sees the seasons ahead of you for cutting old you down for new growth.
I have lived in the performance mindset for such a long time that it has reached almost every area of my life in some way or another. The roots are deep and at times it hurts to let the Lord to dig them up. But He is calling me to deeper levels of freedom and I’m ready for it.
He is setting me free from expectations I have allowed myself and others to place on me. And by doing so not only is He allowing me to receive the love He has for me. He is also enabling me to love those around me in better ways.
As I walk into this new freedom, I want to invite you to come with me. Are there areas of your life where you’ve found yourself performing for the Lord or for others? I would encourage you to take time to ask the Lord to reveal those areas of your heart to you.
And through that process I want you to always remember that your identity rests solely in the fact that you are called a child of the Most High King, not in the things you can do for Him or for others.
