Well, here it is! This is the first blog I’ve written in almost a year while sitting on American soil. I still get confused at moments by the fact that everyone in the coffee shop is white, speaking English, and not giving me second glances because I’m obviously a foreigner. It still seems like I’m in a dream when I see my sister sitting across from me, studying endless pages of notes for next week’s finals. Or perhaps I should say, it feels like I just woke up from a dream and everything is so unsettlingly… normal.
I don’t want to bore you with endless reflections and introspections… instead, let me share a little piece of my heart.
Two days after arriving home, I finally sat down to journal. It had been two days of joy and reunion… and numbness. I honestly didn’t know what was happening in my head and heart. I was going through the motions of being home: unpacking, washing months of stains out of my clothes, shoes, and daypack, trying to kick jetlag but getting kicked by it instead. I knew I had just gone through a huge loss in saying goodbye to my squad (my family of 33 other Racers) after 11 months of sharing hardship, heartache, triumph, and breakthrough. But I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything.
Rose, Britt, and I got henna tattoos on our last day in Malaysia!
Here’s what I told God:
“Dad. Where am I? I keep having moments where a wave of overwhelmtion (all you grammar police out there, don’t fight it – it’s a word 😉 or sadness floods me and I feel kinda lost and homeless, like I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Yet this is home! But so different… and so nice – the house, the kitchen, the bathroom, my bed – wow, we really live like this? I don’t feel at all critical or judgmental, just confused. I feel like I walked out into a world where my life was consumed with the spiritual, where You were my daily bread and it was all about You, and now I’m back to normalcy and that scares me to death.
I know that You’ve transformed me this year. It’s just really hard, and really big, to bring it all home. The lessons and revelations of a huge world brought back into little Canby… maybe that’s the biggest thing I feel right now, and that I struggle with being here – my world suddenly feels so small!
I know there are infinite possibilities and huge work to be done here. I know that. But I don’t feel it. I don’t have any vision for being here…
I just want to find a special-needs orphanage and touch their faces. I want to have African kids crowding around me again. I want to hold Kea in my arms and feel his little head resting on my heart. I want to be dirty and alive.
I think this is what it means to be wrecked for the ordinary.
I can feel the need of the children calling to my heart. I can’t stop crying! I am sitting here in the sweetest, most comfortable place on earth, alone, while they are crying out for love. It’s so simple! I just want to be a mother to the motherless. I want to dry their tears and hold them. I want to give them more than a month of my life and a guitar. I keep thinking of Kea’s note asking me to come back. I think of his body retching with sobs in my arms…”
Kea, one of the kids at the Cambodian orphanage Hugging Alys during our final night as a squad Washing Sister Glory's feet in Malaysia
Traumatic as that sounds, I do know that the Lord has greater things ahead. His Spirit is stirring new desires and a readiness in my heart for the next steps. In the meantime, He continues to reassure me that wherever I am, I cannot escape His love and His hand is heavy upon me. I believe He is bringing me into a season of preparation, and with all my heart I can say that I have found the most beautiful place on earth. There truly is nowhere I’d rather be for the next six months, or however long the Lord has me here. Both of my sisters are engaged, and spending yesterday evening with them, their fiancés, the Dodges, and the rest of my family was delightful. It also marked the end of a season to me, the closing of a door. My family is changing in ways that will never be reversed. And it is a beautiful thing!
I also know that with every door closed, a new one is opened. Pastor Yesudason in Malaysia prophesied over me that there are doors open in front of me. I believe that the word God gave my team, Unlocked, was not only for this last season but also for the one ahead. Amidst uncertainty on a new continent and questions about the future, I feel so fully convinced of this one thing: “Surely Your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.”
D squad – my family!
I am thrilled to think of reconnecting with so many of you here in the Portland area! Also, I cannot thank you enough for your support this year. You fought for me when I was too weak to fight. You prayed me through the valleys and rejoiced with me on the mountaintops. I still step back in awe sometimes at the friends and family the Lord has placed around me, both here at home and on the field. D squad, I love you more than words can say and am so excited knowing that there are more adventures ahead for us! And everyone else, I am so glad to be home with you and cannot wait to see every single one of your beautiful faces!
With all my heart,
Jill
Photo credit: Rose Huber and Robin Brooks 🙂
