It was a simple blue notecard, placed in my hands silently. I took it, held it, and slipped quickly out the door of our meeting room to find a solitary spot. My hand trembled a little as I held that weighty paper – alone on the stone wall looking out over the beautiful Honduran landscape, I finally flipped it over…
A list of seven names met my gaze. One was mine. The other six brought a rush of emotion that poured out in tears and laughter as I sat alone before God for the next two hours of journaling and prayer.
My new team!
Here we are in Honduras during our first afternoon hanging out as a team! Photo credit Jo Linda Sala.
Left to right: Wes, Naomi, Hosanna, Robin, Hugh (our leader), Jo Linda, and me
Change is a daunting thing. Sometimes it arrives in our lives after long anticipation, and sometimes it blindsides us completely. The latter is how it happened to me, and even if I had been fully warned what was coming, I still don’t think I could have been prepared for the emotional surge that hit me in that moment. It was a tsunami of grief at the loss of sisters who have come to mean the world to me. It was a thrill of excitement and hope for the new season ahead with brothers and sisters that I already love, but only begin to know.
I knew that our last week in Honduras was going to be a week of transition. I knew that a couple of my closest friends in the squad were being raised to leadership roles, and I was struggling to process that reality as a huge sense of loss engulfed me. But I did not know that in the changes that came for our squad, I would be placed in a completely new team as well. Honestly, I had come to the point of expecting to be with the girls of Team Cherished, who had become my family, for the entire 11 months.
The reality that our original team has disbanded continues to hit me in fresh waves at random moments and bring tears of mourning and a pang of sadness. And yet I also feel a deep sense of anticipation stirring as fresh fears, renewed challenge, and brand new possibilities open up before me. My role on this new team is going to be completely different, and I already feel that God is raising me up in new ways and giving me a passion and heart for the team, MY team!
The most amazing part to me is that over the past month, God has at different times and in different ways been placing each of my new teammates on my heart. This was before I had any idea that we would EVER be on the same team! That is why my first glance at the list on that blue notecard made me laugh out loud – I instantly knew that there was no doubt of God’s hand in the decision to place the seven of us together.
Team Cherished will never leave my heart and these girls will continue to be my sisters and lifelong friends. I cannot speak my love and admiration for each of them loudly enough. And yet I also realize and joyfully grasp onto the reality that God has completed the work He intended for this season in which our team of girls was together. His definition and word over us was “cherished”: we came together as women desiring to fully grasp His affection for us and live as daughters of the King. As I think back on the past three months, I see the fulfillment of that prophetic word. If you’ve been reading my blogs, I hope you can see it too. The Father has continually been revealing to me that my worth and identity is in Him alone, as His daughter, not in my working and serving and striving. I am cherished, for no other reason than that He is good and filled with love. I know that the things He has taught me in that will be vital as I enter this new chapter of the race. He is giving me the desire to jump in with joy, having grieved what I am losing, and now reaching forward with excitement for all that is in store! My time on Team Cherished is fulfilled and He has used that season to accomplish its purpose in my life as well as my six Cherished teammates.
In change comes a letting go of what is good to grasp onto what is great. In all honesty, I am scared. I won’t deny that. It took three months to reach the point of trust and safety that I now have with my former team. I am afraid that I will go running back to that safe place with them, rather than pressing into the new safe place God is giving me. But ultimately in that fear and in the unknown, He reminds me that He is my safe place and that His grace and love will carry me to new heights beyond where I have been yet. Yeah, you bet that scares me! But I am choosing in! What God has in store for me, each of my former teammates, and each of my new teammates in the coming season is beyond what I can guess or anticipate. All I know is that He has opened the cage door, drawn me out into the open sky, and now He is calling me to soar.
“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess the perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” Philippians 3:12-14 (NLT)
