What a week! I tried to blog yesterday, thought about blogging earlier in the week, and just couldn’t sit down and do it… I was still stuck in the storm and searching to no avail for clarity and peace. So here’s honesty: it’s been a week of struggle, doubt, exhaustion, and feeling like a failure. And here’s hope: Jesus is still God and He speaks into every circumstance, no matter how bleak and confusing!
I’m learning that sometimes things don’t go as planned. Sometimes people don’t perform like I want them to. Sometimes I don’t perform like I want to. Sometimes I feel like a total failure with nothing to offer, no words of wisdom, storm-tossed and tempest-lashed and wondering why it seems that the Rock slipped from beneath my feet. And all I want to do is run as far away as possible.
So this last week, I did. And as I ran (or rather walked) through the pouring rain of downtown Portland, I realized that I was clinging to lies and choosing to wallow in my misery.
“God, I am a failure!” I exclaimed dogmatically, unwilling to listen to His response because I didn’t really want to hear what He had to say. “I have nothing to offer, nothing to speak into these situations. I am totally confused and frustrated and this all feels hopeless! Why am I even here?”
As I prayed, I realized what was happening. As long as the people around me are at arms’ length (something of an acquaintance level), I see the sunlight and roses and believe that everything is good and dandy. It is a shallow peace and joy, the honeymoon phase. But when the honeymoon phase ends, I get close enough to see the mess in the people around me and, even worse, the mess in myself. I don’t like that very much. And my natural instinct is to run away!
As I allowed the Lord to speak to my heart, I realized that I could easily spend the rest of my life this way – running away when things start to hit too close to home and bring out the negative tendencies in me. Or, I can choose into those things, believing that while I cannot bring transformation, God can. I don’t have to allow lies and doubt to consume me but instead, I can rise above my circumstances and enter into true peace and joy in Christ!
In our student-led Bible studies on campus this term, we’ve been studying the life of Peter. It’s funny how sometimes I study the Word and think about it fairly analytically, and then one day it hits home and takes on a whole new meaning for my life. Peter is a guy who knows all about the mess. Pretty much every story throughout the gospels that involves Peter, he’s getting into some kind of messy situation! This week we studied his denial of Jesus. We talked about how he blew it, reacted in a way that he did not intend or wish to react due to his fear in the moment. It wasn’t until my third look at Luke 22, however, that I realized something about Peter and the story of his denial.
He followed Jesus.
The other disciples fled, scattered, ran away from the messy situation.
But Peter, lost and confused, with his world spinning, followed Jesus and stayed as close to Him as he could, desperate to be near the only Person that had offered true hope and identity to him. Granted, he totally blew it. He disowned the Rabbi and Lord that he had given up everything to follow. But at least he followed!
Would it have been better if Peter had run away at the first sign of trouble, removing himself from the potentially messy situation? He could have avoided doing something stupid and looking bad in front of everyone (including generations of future Jesus followers who still read his story and sigh at his failure)!
On that note, would it have been better if Peter had never stepped out of that boat onto the water – in the end he looks like a fool who doesn’t have enough faith to keep from sinking! His fears become obvious, the situation becomes messy.
Ultimately, would it have been better if he had never followed Jesus in the first place? He messes up so many times. His fears and weakness and inadequacy are documented for the world to see. Maybe he should’ve just stayed in his fishing boat in the first place, where he was comfortable and adept and knew what he was doing.
I think not. I think Jesus is not inviting us to run away from the mess, but to jump into it. After all, what does He Himself do for His followers? Washes the messiest, dustiest, smelliest part of their body – their 
feet! Jesus didn’t shrink away from the mess – He came face to face with it, up close and personal. He touched their mess. And He touches our mess. In fact, He wore our mess on the cross. In doing so, He took the role of the servant, kneeling down and honoring us by washing away the muck and loving us in our messy, broken state.
feet! Jesus didn’t shrink away from the mess – He came face to face with it, up close and personal. He touched their mess. And He touches our mess. In fact, He wore our mess on the cross. In doing so, He took the role of the servant, kneeling down and honoring us by washing away the muck and loving us in our messy, broken state. Could it be that He is asking us to do the same? Hmmm. If you read John 13, I don’t think that’s even up for debate.
“And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you and example to follow. Do as I have done to you.” (John 13:14-15)
You gotta love Peter. He messed up a lot. He made a mess of a lot of situations. But he adored and followed Jesus, and accepted grace and second chances rather than running away when he realized he had failed… yet again. When it comes down to it, don’t we all? The question is not if we will fail, but how we will respond.
I wanna be a Peter. I want to get back up and keep right on following the only One who has brought me true hope, identity, and a reason to live.
