Growing up Christian, it is easy to think that you understand concepts because you have heard them discussed and defined a million times. So naturally I’ve always thought, of course I know what grace is! And of course I live out of that reality in my life! But Jesus is questioning my “of course”s and leading me on a journey of rediscovering this fundamental truth that I thought I knew like the back of my hand.
As a volunteer with Intervarsity, my role is not always clearly defined. Outreach is not clearly defined. My schedule is not clearly defined. I struggle with something as practical as how to spend my day, and whether or not I am being efficient and productive enough with my time on campus. I hate the thought of wasting time. I often feel the need to prove to myself that I am making a difference and that every moment I spend at Portland State “counts”. But when I am honest with myself, I realize that efficiency and productivity were never Jesus’ values – only mine.
Of course I know that Jesus loves me not because of what I do, and that His grace is not something I earn… but sometimes I don’t live like I believe that.
I work so hard. I’m good at working hard. I find meaning and self-worth in doing. And then I remember that Jesus’ invitation is not to do for Him, but to be with Him, and in Him.
Jesus once said, “Those who remain in Me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
So if I am working to earn and prove and do, then what gospel am I offering to others? I act as though I believe Jesus needs me (and my efforts) in order to reach students at PSU, and in the process, I neglect my time of simply being with Jesus to spend time with people who need Him. But what do I have to offer those people? Apart from Him, nothing! And if this is how I live out the gospel of grace, then what am I inviting others into but another set of duties to add to their daily checklist?
Driving home tonight, Jesus hit me with the truth of what grace looks like in my life in a freshly tangible way. Alone in my car, I was rejoicing at the news I had just received – one of my new friends had decided to follow Jesus for the first time! I was absolutely thrilled! And then the smallest thought crept into my head and began to grow like a familiar weed…
Why wasn’t I the one who had invited her into that relationship with Jesus?
I had spent time with her throughout the week and knew that she was very interested in Jesus and excited to learn about Him. But I had struggled with the right words to say in the right moments. I had failed to ask her the questions that she was longing to be asked.
My moment of rejoicing and triumph turned into a moment of failure and defeat in about two seconds of time. Nothing had changed – there was still great reason for joy that my friend had chosen to say "yes" to Jesus, whether I was the one who invited her into that or not! But that familiar weed that has become very at home in my heart, thriving on my need to find worth and fulfillment in how I perform. That subtle voice is constantly whispering of the lack in my work and the deficiency in my performance. It is a voice that I allow to guide the way I see myself, my life, and my Father’s view of me. And for the first time, I realized whose voice it really was that I was listening to.
Satan is devious! He wants us to think we have to do more. He wants us to think we have to earn our way to the Father. He wants to keep us in the bondage of always falling short, never measuring up.
And it is a lie!
The grace of God is free! But do we know what that means?
And don't say, as I did, "Of course I do!"
Jesus wants us to come to Him not as we would to an employer, but as we would to our lover! He asks us to lay aside the need to work for Jesus, and instead to come and sit at His feet. That is the place where we will discover the one thing worth being concerned about, and it will not be taken away from us (Luke 10:42).
He invites us to simply receive grace!
