The last three weeks of my life have been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster. (Buckle up!) I have felt happiness and joy, sorrow and heartache, and everything in between. It's kind of like being13 again.
This time, however, there are substantial reasons for these feelings. One minute I was rejoicing over being accepted to be a part the World Race, and in what feels like just moments later, I am mourning the loss of my sweet, loving, caring grandfather – or, Poppy, I call him. If any of you had the chance to know him, you are one lucky duck, and you are probably missing him, too.
It was about a year ago that the doctors first told us that my Poppy probably only had a few more short months left with us. I looked at him in what appeared to be good health and thought, mehhh – you guys are wrong. (I mean..his dad lived until he was like, 101 or something!)
And for the most part my disbelief worked in my favor. Month after month, he was still here, wheezy laugh, squinty eye and all. Oh how I loved that wheezy laugh of his. (I do a pretty mean imitation – just ask!)
Soon after the doctors started the countdown, Poppy started to liven up. His smile and warmth was more contagious than ever and he never failed to tell us just how much he loved us. Poppy would do anything for the people he loved.
Time passed slowly and steadily. I guess I was so close to the change I was blinded by it. So it came as quite a shock to me when a month or so ago the doctors said Poppy may only have as little as ten days left with us. They said it could be more, but he was nearing the end of his journey with us. But nobody wants to think like that, so I held on to the hope that he would once again prove the doctors wrong.
And he did. But his health started declining and fast. Before we knew it, our visits would consist of gathering around his bed for stories, awkwardly bending down over his weakening body to get our hugs, and completely re-defining any pre-existing notion of ‘inside voices.’
“HI POPPY! HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”
“What?”
“SHE SAID HI POPPY, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”
“What?”
“Nevermind. I LOVE YOU, POPPY!”
“Oh, I love you too, Jess.”
I am overwhelmingly grateful that I was able to spend so much time with Poppy the last two weeks of his life. I got to tell him all about this new journey of mine, to which he'd reply, “Well..come home quickly!” It was bittersweet. I wanted to believe that I'd get to show him pictures and tell him stories of the journey to come, but I knew deep down that that wouldn't be the case. Still, I would smile, and tell him all about the trip, my blog, and where he could keep tabs on me.
But, one of my favorite memories of the last two weeks was hearing him talk about a little book that was sitting on his bed. I can't remember what the name of the book was, but he summarized for us in one quick sentence:
“It's all about how the Lord shapes you and molds you into the person he wants you to be.”
And despite his weakening body, he radiated this truth. Every time my family and I sat gathered around my Poppy's bed late at night, a whisper in my heart kept repeating “from glory to glory…glory to glory.”
But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:16-18
The days got longer as each visit got shorter. In the blink of an eye, 24 hour help was hired and it was a good day if he was awake for just a couple of hours. No one could keep up with the rapid decline of his failing body. Every drive over to the house consisted of prayers that we would catch him with open eyes so that we could visit with him, that he could at least see how much we loved him and didn't want to let him go. And while it's hard to see someone you love fade, I knew deep down it was only just his body that was fading. His spirit was being transformed, daily, from glory to glory.
Tuesday was the day that the Lord took my Poppy home. I had gotten a call from a family member while I was at work. My heart stopped – a learned behavior at this point. Every other phone call I was fortunate enough to end with a sigh of relief, this time was different. If I could, I should come quickly, the nurses think he may only have a few hours left. It is for sure his last day.
I spent those last hours holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him. He laid unresponsive in his bed surrounded by family as friends stopped by to say their last goodbyes. One of his friends told him ‘see ya soon in the big apartment in the sky, buddy’. The minister was there and he read us scripture and spoke words of comfort and truth. He asked us if any of us had a favorite verse we'd like to hear. I did, but through the tears I was failing to fight back, I couldn't choke out the words. But there was one verse that kept surfacing in my mind that was guarding my heart that day.
My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?
John 14:2
I know where my Poppy is now. And I know that it is far better than any place I could dream of. But it is still so hard to let him go; and this is only the very beginning of this journey. I will miss his laugh, his hugs, his pancakes, the green flash (you had to be there for that one), the endless flow of blown kisses, his (sometimes unseemly) sense of humor, his love that he showered on his family…the list is endless. But through the pain of losing a loved one, I've realized more than ever the importance of the invitation to eternal life. The gift of the cross that displayed perfect and powerful love. The key to the big apartment in the sky, that is actually far greater than just a big apartment in the sky. Where there is no suffering and no pain. Where we are transformed into the likeness of our creator. Where our name is called by our Heavenly Father. Where the veil is torn and we fall to our knees in awe. I pray that you've accepted this invitation.
‘My fathers house has many rooms.’
See you soon, Poppy! I love you forever.
'Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders 'round the throne
At His feet I’ll lay my crowns My worship
Soon and very soon
I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon'
Hillsong, 'Soon'
