Literally, just left it, in a bag by the garbage. I didn’t want to, and I actually waited a few weeks until I finally did it because I just couldn’t part with my hair. When the time came, I skyped my best friend and told her what I was doing, and then I just went for it. I knew it was now or never. Reluctantly, I picked up the scissors, grabbed a section of hair, and cut. I cut until I couldn’t anymore, and once I was done, I looked in the mirror and just stared. What I saw staring back at me in the mirror I didn’t like. I immediately said “I look so ugly, I want my hair back.” Funny thing is, I had hair, a full head of it. It just wasn’t the hair I wanted.
I did cut my hair and leave it in a bag, but it wasn’t my real hair. I took out my braids and decided to finish the race with my natural hair. For me this is a big deal because I have come to hate my natural hair. It’s a hassle to take care of, not the length I want it, and most of the time has a mind of its own. I can tell you all the things I hate about my hair or why I don’t like it, but there’s only one true reason I don’t like it. I don’t like my hair because with it, I don’t feel beautiful.
I knew God was calling me to take out my hair back in Thailand. Our team and the team we were with for the month did a conjoint team time and talked about self image. Lauren, the leader of the other team said something along the lines of “God doesn’t care what we look like, everything about us is beautiful. He made us beautiful and that’s all He’ll ever see us as. We don’t have to do anything to be beautiful, we just do them because society tells us too. But were not supposed to define beauty by what society tells us.” After she spoke that, I knew what that meant for me. God didn’t even have to speak, but when he did he simply asked “so you know what you’re supposed to do, are you going to do it?” Of course I knew, but of course I didn’t, and I stalled as long as I could. I wanted, and in my mind needed, more time to be ready. I wasn’t ready to go back to how I spent the first 3 months of my race.
Ugly, horrible, ridiculous. These are just a few words I used to describe myself during those first few months. I was ugly because my hair was out of control. My hair was horrible and I didn’t want pictures to be taken of me. I knew in my mind I was being ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t wait to get my hair braided so I could feel beautiful. Funny thing is, the first round of braids were done wrong so a few days after I got them done, they started to slip out. I went to the salon and got them re-tightened, but because of the style of braids, they started to slip out again within a few days. I decided to wait until the next country to get them fully redone, and once I did, I was shocked at the sudden change within me. My spirit lifted once I looked in the mirror. I had fire red long hair and I was in love. I immediately felt beautiful again.
Beautiful. That’s how I felt these last few months. I wanted pictures to be taken of me, and when I would look them over, I was pleased. I felt beautiful because to me, my hair was beautiful and so was I. I dreaded the day I had to take my hair down because as my braids came out, to me, so did my beauty. Braid by braid I was taking away my beauty, or what I defined it as. It took all day, and all day I dreaded being left with brown, curly, short hair. I knew once my braids were finally out, I was going to have to change the way I defined beauty because my definition was obviously skewed.
I wish I could say that today I walk around with my head held high declaring at the top of my lungs that I’m beautiful, but I can’t because I don’t. Slowly since I’ve taken my hair down I’ve realized that I need to see myself with new eyes and realize I’m beautiful even with short natural hair. I need to realize that when it fro’s from being wet, it’s not something to be ashamed of, but rather something very original about me because not everyone has the opportunity for their hair to fro. I’m learning to walk in my beauty and not see the imperfections or flaws as bad, but things that make me original. I’m learning that each day I have the opportunity to believe in my beauty for myself and not because someone tells me I’m beautiful. I have to claim it for myself, short curly hair and all.
I currently have $4,460 to raise by August 1st in order to be FULLY FUNDED. I need all the support and prayers I can get, so if you feel led to support me financially with any amount, click the "support me" tab on the left. Thank you so much
