Let’s be transparent…
Journal entry // August 18 . 2015
In regard to my previous blog post, this below journal entry was written on the night before I would make the official decision about accepting the 100% support-based position with Adventures in Missions.
There are a lot of beautiful things about fundraising. This journey is a bold step into the unknown that brings forth realities. There is both confirmation and question. There is reassurance and then earthquakes of discomfort that seem to wreck your world.
Asking for money is actually asking people to put their money where their mouth is “Do you believe in me or not?” The journey can leave you feeling more insecure then when you began or it can lift your spirits to that of a Greek god.
But in the end, what it all seems to come down to is a reminder of just how human we all are. We all need each other. Life wasn’t meant or designed to be experienced alone. Together we are one and together we are one another’s.
There is a battle within me that never seems to settle. My head can logically guide my steps toward what, on paper appears right, responsible and wise, while at the same time, my heart can passionately pull me otherwise. This magnetic push and pull causes decision making difficult, full of anxiety and greatly over-thought.
Since I’ve been back from the World Race, I’ve attempted to establish a “what’s next” answer. Through the fog of possibilities I’ve come to a conclusion – I am going to go to Gainesville, Georgia to be part of a small volunteer program Adventures in Missions (AIM) has offered me called The Fellowship. This is an opportunity for me to contribute by combining me creative graphic design skills with my past year experience on the World Race – communicating to the world and future racers, the benefits of this life-changing experience.
When I accepted the position I did so on the condition of a positive and on successful fundraising.
Ready for some vulnerability?
I did the fundraising thing. I spoke to the staff members of my church. I sent the letters to supporters along with event invites (invites to a story-telling/video/slide show night, recapping my journey over the last year and what everyone’s money and support went to). That night I had six out of 40+ supporters show up. For weeks my fundraising account was showing $0.00 of the $9,950 needed.
Needless to say with such poor support and financial response to my “next step choice” anxiety began to kick in along with those earthquakes of discomfort. I began to question if this was actually right for me; maybe I should explore other possibilities; maybe I should just move to Hawaii.
Logically the choice was clearly settled – without money I cannot go. But my heart battled inside me and wouldn’t let me fully commit to that answer. I tried to ignore it and move on, but when I called AIM to inform them that I wouldn’t be able to attend, my heartstrings were pulled. They told me they WANTED me there, that they weren’t giving up on me, they’d continue to pray for me and this decision and that although I have told them “no” they haven’t closed the door.
Later that evening my heart won. I’ve decided that I want as much of this opportunity as I can have and I will go for as long as funding will allow (pledged support thus far is about $2,650). I want to be part of this crazy group of missions-minded, Jesus-loving, people-loving, creative and business-minded individuals. I know this will help ease me back into doing full-time design work, I will be inspired, I will learn, I will grow, I will develop new skills. More importantly I get to be a part of the bigger picture. Jesus said “Go, make disciples.” and this is how I get to be obedient with passion and excitement.
To quote John Piper “Concerning missions, you either go, send or disobey.” Out of the three all I can do is go. I have no money to send and to disobey would bring guilt I cannot bear.
So, if you are able to send, please send me.
