While spending more than 6 months at home, I can't help but get a little introspective.
It holds all of my journals and photo albums.
God knew that I wouldn't have that great of a memory in the first place, so, to compensate, gave me an innate desire to journal. Obsessively. He also developed within my very soul the compulsive need to take pictures.
What I look back on and smile at. Like when I ate at traditional Indian Cuisine restaurant for the first time on a mission trip to St. Louis. Of all places.
(Or shake my head at because of how ridiculous/crazy something was. Like the time that Jill, Lane and I got my truck stuck in the mud at 9 p.m. out in the middle of nowhere, had nowhere to go and no cell service, and decided that pushing it would be a good idea.)
Maybe He did this also because I always look toward the future with such excitement that I forget the past, all the while knowing I'll want to remember, but am so stirred up for the things to come that I can't. But that's a different subject.
I read through–or skimmed…whichever–one of my high school journals this week. When I was 16.
The opening paragraph goes as this:
but sometimes everybody just wants to give up,
RIGHT?!
Right.
I just need Jesus so much more.
I mean, as every second goes by,
I realize how much I don't have of Him that I need.
I won't lie, I judged myself a little while reading. Which makes me wonder how many people judged me when I was actually 16. Probably a lot, and I'm okay with that.
I was just a fun loving, naive girl that wanted to be happy. I was very involved in youth group, and didn't care that much about school, but more about getting my license, a job, and a car. I was insecure, but wasn't afraid to share my opinion, even if it was just through facial expression. (Some things never change, right mom?) I struggled to love Jesus and others as much as I was taught to. And I was selfish, attempting to portray any trace of selflessness. (Not that I'm no longer selfish.)
Oh, the things I would tell that girl if I could…
First off, you should know that your writing skills need to improve. But don't worry, they will.
You'll learn to be less scared and nervous about expressing yourself through words. And over time you will let yourself become more vulnerable, and care less about what people think of you. I know you want to portray that you don't care because that may seem like strength to you, but you'll learn to let that go, too.
I also know that you don't think money is everything. And you're right. But that doesn't mean you don't need it. So get your act together, listen to your dad's lectures about getting your butt off the couch and getting to work. Listen to your mother when she tries to teach your stubborn mind how to use money wisely, and how to properly use your bank account. Because, let's be honest, you don't know how, so stop pretending that you do. Save. Your. Money. There will be things worth more than that temporary pair of shoes that you'll just send to Goodwill in 5 months. Like the truck you'll get when you're 17 that you could have made more payments on without the help of your parents.
You were born a dreamer. A visionary. That's good. God's given you an incredible sense of adventure. But just because it was right for that kid in your youth group to take off to Australia doesn't mean it's right for you, too. There is a time and place for these things, a season for God's work to come to fruition. (If you don't know that word, don't be above being the only 16 year old girl that gets the dictionary.) Not all of your dreams will be supported, because it doesn't make sense for a 16 year old girl to up and move to Colorado for the summer when all she can earn in school are C's because she cares more about what Brendan Fraser* is up to, and who she can chat with on AIM right then. You want to dive into something as soon as you have the idea for it. Give your dreams time. Trust me, by the time you're 27, you will have lived a good life with plenty of dreams having been accomplished, with even more to come. Be patient.
Believe it or not, that girl that lives in the room next to yours? You guys are going to be best friends. Though now she may be getting constant lectures on how to adjust her attitude (and you're just glad the attention's not on the messiness of your room, and you ignoring your chores), about 10 years from now, she'll be giving you necessary lectures on your attitude problem. She'll also be the most influential avenue to amazing music, her own included. Don't be fooled, you'll still get so mad at her that you want to punch a wall, but the feeling will be mutual. You'll both get over it, talk it out, and move on like nothing happened, back to acting obnoxiously everywhere you go together, from Wal-Mart, baseball games, to tubing in north Georgia, embarrassing everyone else around.
I'll go ahead and save you the trouble and tell you that, though you don't have any issues with boys right now, the ones that will come into your life that don't want to be friends first for a long time, you don't need to waste your time on them. They're bad news. In weak moments,trust your good friends. You'll need to spend more time with them, including your male friends that can remind you how real men treat women. You won't be married by the time you're 27, but that is 100% okay. You have a different path, and it will still be more incredible than you can imagine.
Despite that last piece of advice, you're going to make a lot of mistakes. Some of them will be the type at which you can look back on and laugh, and others will take you a very long time to get over. You're going to get speeding tickets. You're going to lose friends. And family. There will be many, many times that you simply won't know what to say or do. You're going to get sad, and lonely. You're going to sometimes lose your way.
But your life is rich. College will be the best days of your life. So will your time in Montana. (Yes, you'll get to Montana.) You have a family that never leaves your side, no matter how many thousand miles separate you. You'll have friends that will become your family and remain that way, no matter how many miles and years separate you. You are always, ALWAYS taken care of. You will be continually amazed at how much Jesus loves you through the people He's placed in your life. In fact, you'll see Him in the eyes of a lot of people who love you.
I also write you, to not necessarily warn you, but prepare you. When you are 27 years old, life may not have ended up the way you thought it would. You'll notice that over the course of the last decade or so, God had been revealing to you the needs of the world in which you live, from Atlanta to Lame Deer, from Guinea to Mexico. He's not only been revealing these things, but actually breaking your heart and impressing you to DO SOMETHING about it. You'll discover the perfect opportunity to do this, and you'll go for it, because everything within your being feels…and knows…it is right. Just right. Simply perfect.
Your time to give back by going.
Do not–DO NOT–be afraid. God Hisself called you to do this. Leave it up to Him to do it. It will be a long, arduous, heart-wrenching, discouraging process to get there.
But just beyond that, there's glory. Purpose. You'll feed the hungry, the beggars, the orphans. You'll deliver medicine to the broken, the bruised, the sick and diseased, praying over their souls for complete healing. You'll preach. YOU. Preach.
You'll be the only Jesus some ever see.
But don't worry, it won't be by your own power.
You're right, 16. There is so much more of Jesus that you need.
Just know that you'll make it. Cling to Jesus.
CLING to Him.
Love, 27
*Yes, I had a crush on Brendan Fraser. Judge me all you want.
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