I am sitting through team time worship right now, I am writing this on paper with a broken pencil. My heart is heavy, its a heaviness I cant explain and it came out of no where.
I want to cry but I cant. I want to get up and leave the room but I wont. My head is full of insecurities, more than usual. I want to call the person who calls me her JB, but that’s not who I should be calling right now. I should be calling upon Him.
Over and over again I keep saying to myself, I BELONG TO HIM. I want to sing it out loud, but I keep letting everything stop me.
Why?
There is something that can make me both cry and smile at seeing MY JB, flash across my phone or computer. That one small word before JB, says more to me than a long paragraph ever could. Jesus is saying that to me everyday.
MY daughter.
MY Jenafer.
MY beloved.
MY bride.
MY chosen one.
Yet I am sitting here with a heavy heart and so many doubts because I don’t have those words written on a screen.
When will I get it?
I sit in a room with these girls who love me so deeply and I cant even smile because I need Him right now.
My past is gone, it has shaped me into the woman of God I am. Yet right now I am letting those mistakes win my thoughts. I feel like failure, a dirty person, a liar, a no body, the girl who went to jail.
I am His
I cant let this be words or thoughts in my head. This was and is, who I am outside of who I am in Him.
I am selfish and prideful, but He thinks I am perfect. I allowed myself to ruin my reputation, He calls me His beautiful and spotless bride. I went to jail, He smiled because He knew what was going to come of it.
I allow myself to be fulfilled by people and things that only last for a moment, I put things before the one who knows my every step even when the enemy is going to attack me.
He is sovereign and all knowing and He calls me His.
