Sometimes I think I’m bipolar.
The last few weeks have been nothing but blessing after blessing over my life. Yet this week, this moment, I feel like I can do nothing right. This is not a result of any conversations, work related challenges, or poor performance — but just a general, what am I doing wrong in life emotion…ever had one of those?
I think it’s coming from fundraising. I feel like I had the bar of expectation extremely high for the first month. I had on paper and in prayer that I wanted to raise $3,000 by July…but in my head…I think I really expected $3,000 in the first month.
I had expected everyone I knew to jump on board with this trip and subscribe to this blog as a pledge of silent support — and I’m now beginning to question the “Subscribe” feature was secretly removed from my page.
I know this is completely unfair to me or to the people partnering with me, yet I can’t get the unrealistic expectation to die. I think my feeling of failure is from my unrealistic expectations and laser focus.
I’m not going to lie guys, I have total fear of failure every day in almost everything. Especially for something a big as $17,000 and traveling around the world to go help other people. No pressure. But I can’t get John 3:30 out of my head “He must become greater, I must become less.”
Jesus doesn’t bargain with us [like I often try to do] about the expectation — how long, how much, how in general — Jesus says get out of the way. He says we MUST get out of the way…for anything to happen.
So I have to ask, am I alone here?
Do you ever feel like when you give up is when God shows up?
Does anyone else give God options or timelines?
So here’s what I plan to do to try and honor the Lord with my current bipolar mind…
1) Lose the expectations (and never expect to find them again).
My prayer is that my only expectation is for Jesus to be on every second and every penny of this experience together.
2) Learn to blog better.
I feel like I’m talking to a wall out there — I want to communicate effectively to the people partnering with me, but I’m having a hard time getting traffic on this site. So I’m doing some research, but feel free to share any feedback!
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