Exactly halfway through the race this week! That is if we get back before Thanksgiving so really this is an estimate. Halfway through and I have officially reached the end of my rope. If I could hop on a plane tomorrow I would. I miss home.
I miss my family and friends
I miss good FAST internet that always works
I miss picking up my phone and calling people whenever I want
I miss jumping in my car and going wherever I want, whenever I want….alone
I miss going to Walmart 5 minutes away for EVERYTHING I need…in one stop
I miss a western toilet, hot showers, and my comfy bed
I miss Mountain Dew, Lucky Charms, Cheddar cheese, Steak, Shrimp and crab
I miss making my own food whenever I want and eating whatever I’m craving
I miss sitting in a room alone
I miss washers, dryers, and the smell of clean laundry
I miss sitting on the beach, sand between my toes listening to the waves crash and watching the sun set
I’m over The World race…I’m over community, I’m over praying for everyone and everything, I’m over rice and beans, I’m over feedback, I’m over asking at least 2 others to walk down the street with me, I’m over NEVER being alone, I’m over not having my own space where I can escape…I’m over it.
Yesterday I was told our 2 teams were having worship and prayer time. I’m over being told what to do with my free time but I didn’t have a choice. All week I’ve been wanting to worship, alone, because I needed God time, but I had nowhere to go to be alone. And now you want me to worship with people? When I just want to be alone? Come on now! Over it.
So I sat there, stubborn. Not singing, not praying, just thinking of how over this I was. I imagine it as God sitting at a table at Starbucks waiting for our coffee date. I know He is there waiting for me but I refuse to go in. I may walk by and look in the window at Him sitting there alone at the table but I continue to walk by. I know what it means if I sit down with Him. He will pull me out of my funk and I’m comfortable in my funk. If I sit down with Him He will convince me to stay and right now I just want to go home. Finally, I sit down across from Him and say “fine. I’m here. That’s all you’re getting”. And as always, He met me there, He broke me there, as I sang out my hurt he spoke to me. As I sang out “I will climb this mountain with my arms wide open” He broke me.
I have come to the end of my own strength and all He wants is me to lean on Him entirely for my strength. He wants me to admit I can’t do this on my own, He wants to help me. He isn’t going to simply drag me up this high, steep mountain but instead we are going to fly up it! He is going to continue to work in me making me a better woman. He is going to continue showing me His beauty throughout the world. He is going to continue to use me as His hands and feet, to love His children. This is only the halfway mark…it isn’t the end.
If I’m going to give up anything it isn’t going to be this race. I’m going to give up the things that are holding me back from being completely present here.
God, I am sorry that toilets, showers, and beds have become more important that doing your work
God, I am sorry that snacks, good food, and my own meal times have become more important than hungering for only you
God, I am sorry that when I go to the market I wish I could be at Walmart instead of looking around and seeing the poverty before my eyes. The dirty children, the hardworking woman, the flies and dirt floors.
God, I am sorry that the community I want nothing more than to be away from sometimes is the same community that speaks life into me, encourages me, and whom I come together with to worship you
God, I’m sorry I daydream of the luxuries back home when I am in a country full of people who don’t even know those luxuries exist.
God, I’m sorry I haven’t been present…I am here now…Help me, give me strength, I can only do this with your help.
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