“A missionary is not someone who crosses the sea, it is someone who sees the cross”
The absolute most insane and most ridicules decision I have ever made is to travel the world and live with a bunch of strangers 24/7, while Jesus, in the middle of all the chaos, teaches me how to love till it hurts. When I look at the One who was send to pay for my transgressions I can’t ignore His call to follow Him, yet I often find myself wanting to follow my own desires.
In the last nine month, Jesus destroyed my deception of who I am into pieces. He revealed to me everything I am not. When I thought I knew what I was doing He humbled me. When I wondered who I was, He showed me. When I wanted to throw in the towel and go home , He kept me. When I wanted nothing else but to give up on people and run the other way, He taught me how to stay, till my heart was filled with unconditional, sacrificial love.
My lesson being almost at the finish line of this season in my life. God is full of unfailing love but He will not protect me from pain or suffering. Going down memory lane, I was never made for endurance. If things got tough, my ego ran as fast as Forrest Gumps legs. If anyone hurt me or didn’t act the way my spoiled self expected I didn’t show any grace or mercy. My love was conditional.
But Gods love is unconditional. It is of a different nature altogether. It doesn’t hate tragedy. His love doesn’t deny reality or truth of life. It stands in the fire of suffering. The love of God didn’t protect His own Son, that was the proof of His love, that He gave His Son to go to Calvary’s cross for us, even though He could have saved Him. He will not always protect us, especially not from anything it takes to make us more like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling away the edges and purifying by fire will have to go into that process. My Father will not leave me unfinished and hanging in the tragedy of human flesh.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute or in danger, or threatened with death? No despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from Gods love. Neither death nor life, neither Angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.
Romans 8:35-38
Fast forward to the present time in the Dominican Republic. My legs are covered in bug bites that keep me up at night. It has been pouring rain for the last couple of weeks, thanks to winter season in the Caribbean. I am shivering most of the time, due to no warm clothes and mountain air. Laundry never dries and rice is served for every meal. My grandma Gerda that I dearly love passed away right before we headed to the DR, which made me wanna crawl up in a ball and hide. I miss home like crazy, especially my loved ones and comforts. Sometimes I am daydreaming about soy latte coffee dates, me alone in my Kia running errands on a Saturday or taking a hot shower. Yet, God is teaching me how to be content with whatever I have, finding my joy in Him and to rejoice in every circumstance. It sounds so cliche, yet it is skin deep reality for me. Joy depends on so much more than a feeling or the world around us. It is peace that we can only experience through the power of the Holy Spirit and total dependency on God. It is contentment that surpasses all understanding.
My human impatience is so ready to give birth to the next season. Yet I know that there is much more growth that needs to happen, before God takes the labor pains away. He is refining the final necessary steps before I can give birth to something incredibly new and beautiful. Whenever my self wants to quit, it is He who says: ” Not yet my child, trust in me and chose life over death. Chose the cross over self and love over ego.”
God is birthing something in me that I cannot see yet. He is asking me to trust that His plans are higher than my burning flesh. God will not give me what I want, but what I need. He won’t let me give up or run away cause the going is getting tough. Just as 2 Peter states to supplement self-control with patient endurance and patient endurance with godliness, the Holy Spirit will give me the strength to continue this Race without losing my focus. He will convict me, rebuke me, discipline me, give me grace and love me until I get things right. My Father points me to the cross daily, but the life and fruit that will be produced makes all the labor pains worth while.
Love
Jen
