“I feel like a complete failure” were the words I was trying to say, while sobbing bitterly and attempting to catch my breath. Hugged tightly by my teammate weeping and completely falling apart was the end of a hard couple of weeks in Thailand. Tears blinded my eyes, and I hated the way I felt. Hated the attack, hated the mess, hated the brokenness. How did I get here? How did I not see sin creeping into me?
Thailand was a struggle from the day we arrived. I don’t know If it was spiritual warfare, physical exhaustion or just my own flesh, but I wanted to be anywhere else but there. I tried to escape from my team as much as possible, did a horrible job at loving them and how selfish I was, giving my ministry hosts only the minimum of my time. Really, I couldn’t wait to leave again. I felt dry, empty, in the desert but extremely hungry for God.
Something was off, I just couldn’t quite figure it out. Isn’t this what I prayed for and fought for! I left everything to follow Jesus, so why was I so unhappy. All I could do was pray, read Gods Word and be still. I worshipped Him in desperate need of hearing His voice.I was craving solitude with God, seeking Him whenever I had free time, but I couldn’t seem to find an answer to my dry spirit and empty heart.
God had me in the valley. Not on the mountain top. I didn’t like the valley. But in the valley is were the soil is fertile and the most growth happens. Not something I wanted to hear.
My faith journey never included many dry seasons. There were no valleys, the danger with that is stagnant growth and a heart that becomes hardened. If I live on the high tops I believe I got this all figured out. I don’t see sin, cause I often don’t take enough time to humble myself before God and examine my heart. Running around doing all this “work” for God can sometimes do more harm than good. Religion can creep in quicker then having lice on the World Race. It’s ugly, its against Jesus, it looks more like a Pharisee than our Savior.
My pride told me I signed up for this trip to save the world! Thinking I am some type of superhero that God needed and people are hopelessly waiting for. I kept myself busy so I didn’t had to deal with my own junk. Analyzing others became second nature, so I wouldn’t have to be honest about the state of my own heart. I was getting angry and frustrated with people, thinking why they don’t see the things I see. Ugliness, pride, hypocrisy, evilness. Roots from the enemy where growing in my heart and I had no idea.
And then God threw me of my high horse and brought me back to reality. Pride comes before the fall.
“All who fear the Lord will hate evil. Therefore, I hate pride and arrogance, corruption and perverse speech.
Proverbs 8:13
Sobbing in the middle of Starbucks, really grasping what I had done, I felt like King David after he finally woke up and repented to God about his murder and adultery. Shame and anger started to well up in me. After everything Jesus had done for me, how dare I go around pointing fingers at others. He is so patient with me, gracious, slow to get angry and always lends a helping hand. I am called to do the same.Grace is what saved all of us in the first place and grace is what will endure until the end.
It wasn’t one scripture verse or one prayer that finally made me realize how prideful and blinded I was. It was God drawing me close to His light, so I could see the dark path I started to walk down. But I couldn’t see until I listened to His voice. I needed to escape, to be all His, so God could teach me His ways.
His Grace and His Love.
Again and Again.
God desperately had to teach me humbleness. Laying down His life for me, I was compelled to pick up that cross again,forget about my rights, wants and needs and love the people around me and forget about expectations. Love is not boastful, proud, selfish or rude. Love always expects the best and doesn’t give up.
Pride or the loss of humility is the root of every sin and evil. Pride is so dangerous and can be so hidden. It starts in your heart, until it consumes you. Pride must die in you or nothing of heaven can live in you.
Looking back on it now, my heart breaks of some of the thoughts I had about others. Grace was nowhere to be found.
Truth on the other hand was my weapon of choice. After I realized that God gave me a gracious gift of seeing and speaking truth, the enemy turned it into something that was not edifying to the body of Christ.
If I speak truth without grace and love it is like having surgery without anesthesia. It hurts like hell. And I don’t want to hurt people, I have a desire to bring people closer to the Fathers heart, while loving them through their mess. Mercy trumps judgment anytime. Love covers a multitude of sins.
How relieved is my heart that I have been forgiven for my sins and that I have a loving God I can look up to, whenever I need correction and an extra portion of grace.
Thailand was the hardest month on the Race but also the biggest lesson to learn.
“But He gives us more grace. That is why scripture says: ” He opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”
James 4:6
Love Jen
