My life before I feel for Jesus was broken and lost. I was wandering around in darkness looking for that special something that would finally bring me to my happy place. My ‘’happy place’’ started with boyfriends and then turned into wanting to be skinny, beautiful and perfect. I always thought if I am flawless and gorgeous I would be admired by everyone. Everyone would want to be me! I changed my hair, my body and my make- up constantly. At some point I even wanted to change my perfectly healthy teeth. I was obsessed with magazines and the picture perfect body. I tried every diet in the book, sometimes starving myself for special occasions. Not eating gave me a sense of power. Power and control I thought I needed to have to be the owner of my life. Isn’t that what life is all about! Security, being in control of your own life, or in my case of the way I look.
By the age of nineteen my first long term boyfriend broke up with me. Not knowing how to deal with the pain, I turned to food for comfort. Eating too much, then turned into guilt and the guilt turned into throwing up. I still remember one of the first times I was hanging over the toilet bowl. I read in a magazine earlier how drinking lukewarm salt water will make the process of purging easier, so that is what I did. I drank the salty water and got rid of all the food and all the pain. I felt guilty and full of shame after but my idol of being skinny was stronger than any negative emotion. That day was over 10 years ago. Sadly did I recognize it was just the beginning of a vicious cycle of chains and lies. There was a time in my life I was a praying atheist asking God to either take my eating disorder or take me. If I would have only known that He was right there next to me, holding my hand and loving me in my brokenness. I was consumed with food, calories and healthy eating 24/7. I was controlled by food that was supposed to sustain me instead it slowly killed me.
During the almost ten years of bulimia I was not only obsessed with controlling my weight but also found it to be a helpful way to numb my pain. Whenever I struggled with anything in my life I just stuffed myself then ‘’free’’ myself by getting rid of the calories and the pain. Only to find myself in the same predicament the next day.
I was able to keep my struggle a secret for a long time. I told my sister at some point but I was always very good at lying and pretending that I had this under control. I didn’t understand the war that was going on. I didn’t get the picture of raging spiritual warfare trying to kill my soul. I didn’t comprehend that the enemy loved to see me down and broken, stuck in a selfish lifestyle that was self-serving and destructive. I wasn’t a thread to the evil one until I meet the One that broke all of my chains.
I still remember the moment of total surrender, how loved I felt and how wrecked I was. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, so sick of living this way, so sick of wanting to have control. I just got myself into another mess with another boy, the story of my pre Jesus life. I was sitting on my bathroom floor having the choice between numbing my pain or giving my broken pieces to Jesus. My mind was going crazy town and satan kept on telling me to just throw up. I wasn’t worth loving anyway. I was a mess up and I would always be. I can’t change, I can’t beat this. I started weeping, prayed and told satan to go screw himself. He was right I couldn’t beat this, but Jesus could! I couldn’t change, but the Holy Spirit could change me. I couldn’t win this war by myself, but the One who lives in me is greater than anything I face.
For the first time in my life I made the choice to believe the Truth about me. That I am loved, cared for, wanted and perfectly made. I am enough and I am worth it! For the first time in my life I had to feel and experience pain without trying to cover it up or numb it. Some nights all I did was pray and cry, but I had Jesus and that is all I ever really needed.
I still get teary eyed thinking about his warm embrace and unending love. Why would He give me a second chance, why would He choose me as one of his own? Why would He die for me? Because He loves me! And He loves you too! There is no addiction, pain, sin or anything you have ever done that is too big for God to forgive. He has a record of turning the biggest messes into His biggest glory stories. He takes your scars and turns them into stars. He takes nobodies and turns them into somebodies. If he can use me, He sure can use you! Trust Him, your life will never be the same.
Love Jen
Job 33:4
