1 Kings 19:11-13
“And He said, ‘Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.’ And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake;
And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of gentle stillness and a still, small voice.
When Elijah heard the voice, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?'”
In my previous blog, 11 Things I Learned at Training Camp, I stated that the 10th thing that I learned was that God speaks in whispers and I wanted to explain . . .
I imagine in 1 Kings that as Elijah stood in his cave he sat in eager expectation and a tired sort of anxiety, the same kind of feelings that flooded me as I stood at Training Camp. I had heard and read of amazing stories of people truly experiencing God’s overwhelming presence as they felt their soul’s lifted, their past hurts healed, and their dream of the World Race confirmed with a large shout from God himself.
One of the things that I wanted Training Camp to be for me was an out pouring of the Holy Spirit, one that I could see and hear and feel. Growing up in a denomination that was quite the opposite of charismatic, I had not experienced much of the physical that the Holy Spirit could do. I have never seen a healing, heard someone speak in tongues, and I have never felt sure that I have seen visions or dreamed dreams (Acts 2:17). But the stories of Racers on the World Race (and sometimes even at Training Camp) were filled with these kind of outpourings.
I stood and I waited. I saw others experience strong spiritual winds, I saw shaking spiritual quakes that rocked others to their core, and I saw other’s passions be ignited by a fire for God. I waited . . . and I felt nothing but the normal level of spiritual-ness that I have always had.
I felt as Elijah must have as he saw the awesome power of God all around him, but none of that earth shattering, shaking, igniting was for him.
One night during a worship session I saw the spirit touch many of the lives around me, I was anxious and eager. As I closed my eyes and worshiped I felt a sort of deep peace wash over me. A gentle stillness. It enveloped me and as I enjoyed this amazing feeling I pleaded for more. I pleaded for my own strong wind, my earthquake, my fire . . .
What I got was an overwhelming sense to cry. So cry I did. Then the feeling was gone and I wept as I now felt empty and inadequate. God’s Spirit could never consume me the way it consumes others. I was not good enough, or brave enough, or ready enough, or strong enough, . . or something.
My amazing husband saw my heart rend and he took my hand, led me outside to a bench, and held me as I tried to explain. He understands. He feels the same way. We both know that God loves us and we have a strong faith. We are both more head knowledge than heart feeling people anyway, but we are constantly asking for more of the Holy Spirit and for God to move us in new ways. And it leaves us hurt and pondering when we feel left out of the Spirit’s movements.
I finished the day. I went to bed. I expected nothing more. That was my moment and that was all I was going to get. The wind, the quake, and the fire had passed and left me standing in my cave staring out.
But like Elijah, God had one more whisper for me yet.
The next day as the guys were gone on the man hike I found myself sitting in a breakout session on the topic of ministering to women. We were encouraged to take the piece of paper and crayons provided for us and draw a picture of how we were experiencing God this week. I drew some stuff, mostly just whatever came to mind, nothing too deep or meaningful, but in the midst of it I “felt” (I never know how to really describe this thing of God speaking to us) the word posture.
I heard it in a way that was not audible, but as usual I was not sure if it was my own head or a word from God. I scribbled down this word really small into the midst of my drawing. Not truly knowing what to do with it. When we described our pictures to our table I did not even mention it, but I was silently pleading to God to prove that this was from Him and not just me grasping at straws.
I pleaded with Him to show me what this word meant and to confirm that it was Him. I wanted someone around me to speak it to me.
The breakout session went on and as the speaker was making her closing remarks one of my dear squad-mates, Makita, looked me, sat up straighter, and said “You have such great posture, it makes me want to sit up straighter too!”
Posture. He whispered.
And I stepped out of my cave, such as Elijah did, and heard God ask me “What are you doing here, Kristin?”
To Be Continued . . .
Myself and Makita during squad wars.
