Today is a rainy day. I’m sitting at a wooden table on our back patio, rain pattering on the tin roof overhead, Nora Jones on the radio*, thunder and lightning in the distance… the view is humble: A rundown building, the remains of what was once a garden, some rickety clothes lines with now soaking-wet jeans hung over them. The air is mostly warm with occasional bursts of cool breeze… in my book, it’s pretty near perfect.
*by “radio” I mean the speaker on my phone… but “radio” sounded nicer in the flow of that sentence.
I made a cup of coffee and came out here to sit and ponder some things. Before I left for the Race, someone encouraged me to share what I’m going through each month, especially the hard parts, and I feel like that’s most of what I’ve written about on this blog haha. But it’s through the hard things that we experience the most growth, and I want to capture and share those messy bits of life in the hope that it glorifies God’s work in my life and blesses those who read it. So with that in mind…
I like to think I have been thriving on the Race so far: I’ve been getting up early in the morning to spend time with the Lord, and very intentionally seeking to know him more and more. I’ve been exercising discipline in what I eat and how much time I spend on the internet. I’ve been striving to love and serve my team and find how I fit in our group dynamic. God has given me grace to grow, and I am so thankful.
But I am convinced that God has more for me, and I am especially convinced that he has something important for me this month. I’m not yet sure what it is, but he has my attention and I desparately don’t want to miss it.
The area God is showing me that I need to grow in this month is unwaivering obedience to him. I was already contemplating this theme as we left Ecuador, and when we attended church on Sunday morning here in Colombia, the sermon was about obedience: When the Lord says move, we move, even not having all the details ahead of time. As the service closed with some final songs, I pictured a time not too long ago in my life where I wasn’t living in obedience to the Lord, and then my heart followed with a desire that my life now and in the future be a stark contrast to that: once an unfaithful follower, now an obedient servant, for the sake of the glory of his name.
In order to do that, I need to be completely available and willing to do whatever he asks of me in this life.
And in order to do that, I needed to hand over to God a particular relationship in my life. I have a very dear friend back home with whom, had I not left home, I would have pursued something more than friendship. But since I was leaving for this 11 month long journey, we decided to put those feelings aside and each pursue God separately in this season, fully aware that he might have plans for our lives that don’t include each other.
So for the first two months, I’ve worked hard to hold the desire for that relationship in the future with an open hand. I prayed for him daily, and prayed God’s plan over his life and mine, even if it meant going our separate ways. Over this past weekend, however, God revealed my heart. I realized I was still placing much of my hope for the future in the potential for that relationship. I would pray about what God would have me do with my life, that he would show me if I need to move to one of these countries or serve in one of these ministries, but secretly hoping that I wouldn’t have to do so at the expense of this person being in my life.
Yesterday, it became clear to me that I need to go a step beyond holding that desire in an open hand and hand it over to the Lord, completely put it aside for the next 9 months, and trust God’s goodness and sovereignty over my life and his. I’ll still pray for him every day, and stay in touch between ministry months, but I am now actively choosing not to dwell on thoughts of a future with him. If that is God’s plan, he will work it out in his time, and we will be better off for having focused solely on God this year. And if it isn’t, then whatever God does have in store for each of us will be better than what we could devise for ourselves.
I’ll be honest though, when I woke up this morning, I felt sad. 9 months seems like an eternity. What if we change and we don’t work well together when I get back? What if he starts dating someone or just loses interest? What if God moves me somewhere he doesn’t want to go? What if God moves him somewhere I don’t want to go? Sigh… I read Psalms 37 and Matthew 6, did my best to speak to God honestly about it, and listened to some worship songs to recalibrate my thoughts. Even so, for the first half of the day I felt a bit numb. I had to fight for joy today.
But I am convinced that in emptying this space in my heart for this year, I am creating a greater capacity to love, worship, and obey the Lord of Lords. I will trust and obey him, wherever he leads, to the ends of the earth, one day at a time.
Where would I be if I did not believe I would experience the Lord’s favor in the land of the living? I will rely on the Lord. I will be strong and confident. I will rely on the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14)
