Reality is currently surreal to me. The plans I have for my life are not really mine, for if I claim the plans to be mine the Lord will quickly remind me that He is the author and finisher of my life plans.
I write this to you today because over the last month my life plans have drastically changed because Jesus is the author. Early in the month of June I was blessed to attend Training Camp in Gainsville GA. As I try to find words to write that adequately describe Training Camp I am at a loss. While talking to one of my other squad mates we decided that Training Camp is like this: you come in with way too many expectations and you come in with what you come into every day with: all the guilt, all the shame, all the baggage and all the slug in your soul that you have neglected to address for way too long. Training Camp addresses these issues that are at the deepest darkest parts of your soul.
I don’t write this to sound intimidating but to be honest. At Training Camp each racer has the opportunity to have one on one meetings with staff and trainers. During these times we share stories, pray, be open and seek Jesus. We also participated in times together as a squad where we embraced the sludge of shame, guilt and the past that had been barricading us from intimacy with Jesus. During this time at Training Camp Jesus revealed so much truth to me. I began to see the need to walk through some things that I have never walked through and instead have let create a barrier at the basement of my being between myself and intimacy with Jesus and also between myself and healthy relationships with others. Even though I realized these things I was not yet brave enough to embrace the journey of sojourning through the pain and shame that accompanies my past.
Healing is a journey and it takes such bravery and courage. Within the body of Christ there is so much courage in my brothers and sisters. My brave and courageous brothers and sisters that were my squad training team at camp had to make some tough decisions for me their sister that they could see needed to walk through a season of rest and healing. My squad training team under the guidance of the Holy Spirit decided that this journey of healing that I was not yet courageous enough to embark on, on my own was a necessary journey for me to walk as a daughter of the King. Healing is healthy to walk through and it is necessary for all believers. This journey through healing was not my plan. Realizing that I need Jesus to heal some of the deepest parts of me was not in this girls plan. But Jesus has His own plan that is sovereign that is for our good, for our best and for His glory. This journey of healing that I am embracing is also a journey that I will not be starting while I am overseas.
In a few weeks from now on August 5th I will not be launching with my squad to the Nations for the World Race. Because Jesus has a plan that is better, He has a plan to restore me from deep inside so that I can be healthy, so that I can have intimacy with Him first and foremost and so that I can begin to embrace health within myself and healthy Biblical community. So if you ask me my plan right now I would probably tell you “I don’t know” (through a mess of tears and a releasing of fears). The unknown has always terrified me but I am learning to trust, to trust a God that is good and to trust others.
LOGISTICS
Okay, now some of you may be wondering what this looks like logistically.
Right now I am
- Praying with every part of me that Jesus provides the scholarship that I applied for so I can go back to school for at least a semester.
- Preparing to go back to school with visas, classes and books etc.
- Embracing the tough stuff with the help of professional Biblical counsel on this journey of spiritual and emotional healing
- Praying through and embracing the community that Jesus has provided me with to walk this journey with
- I AM STILL GOING ON THE WORLD RACE! I don’t think the Lord’s plan is for me to never go on the race. I will most likely be launching on the field with a new squad next August. (Unless the Lord opens up some very clear doors for me to launch in January)
So what can you do as my friends, family and supporters? You can pray! You can pray for me as I am on this journey, as I will walk through some very tough days and very tough conversations, as I sojourn through every part of the healing process and as I embrace healing and intimacy with Jesus. You can encourage me (I also really love snail mail it has definitely not lost its level of awesome even with the interwebs) and you can be on board with the journey that Jesus has me on. Please know that this does not change my mission, this does not change the call to live as a disciple who makes disciples. The Holy Spirit is very clear that this journey of healing that I need to embrace is not a journey that I should begin overseas. I am so thankful for the discernment of the staff at Adventures In a Mission for seeing this and having the courage to make hard decisions and to be the Warriors that made a big step in helping me embrace this journey of healing.
Well I think that’s all for now. If you want to talk more about this journey the Lord has me on, or if you also need to embark on a journey of healing in any way, please contact me. I would love to hear your story and encourage you as you embrace healing as well.
Talk to you soon friends
Love
-Emily Reina Kerkhof
( or to some of you -Canada ??)
