…a little bit of time went by and there I set, in all my crap, broken, bawling like a baby at 1:30am. A real mess.
One thing led to another, and before I knew it, all this stuff I’d never even thought about, started to surface. It hurt really, really bad, but as I poured out my heart, I could feel the weight getting lighter.
Not only was I allowing my past to determine my future, but I was blaming myself for things I had no business carrying. We often do this at times, even if we don’t realize it. And for me, I didn’t realize most of it.
I was blaming myself for my parents divorce when I was a child, I blamed myself for my Mama getting sick a few years back with anxiety and depression and rheumatoid arthritis. I blamed myself for my Mom and Stepdads divorce, and even for mine and my Dads relationship being distant growing up as a child. There were sexual things that happened to me as a child from kids in our neighborhood, that I had no control over, and probably a handful of other things that I’ll spare you the details of. I even blamed myself for my Mamaw passing away when I was little… On and on it went.
I don’t say ANY of this to once again allow myself to carry this burden that isn’t mine to carry. No, I say it because I know that I’m not the only one out there that does this. We all do this, in someway or another.
Every time I would think about something else I blamed myself for, and speak it out, my buddy would ask me a simple question…
“Dusty, when that was happening and those things were taking place… Where was Jesus?”
The words penetrated to my heart and each time I would answer, “He was right there. Right there holding me each and every time.”
He NEVER left me or forsook me. He was protecting me through it all.
This went on for sometime and eventually my buddy said, “Dusty, you’ve gotta stop blaming yourself for these things. It isn’t your burden to carry. You may have felt alone during those times, but I’m telling you, Jesus NEVER left your side. He loves you.”
He’s so right. Through good and bad, thick and thin, beautiful and ugly. Jesus was holding me tightly. He NEVER let me go.
Somehow and somewhere though, I thought this was my responsibility to pick up and carry. I had to try and make sense of it, so what was the easiest thing to do… Pick up the pieces and put them in a sack and throw them over my shoulder, and allow that to define my identity, worth, and whole life.
We were NOT created to operate like that.
That was one of many reasons Jesus went to the cross and died. He did that so we wouldn’t have to carry that mess around. He did it for OUR FREEDOM! He is the cornerstone. How beautiful is that?!
So I ask you… What are you carrying around that isn’t yours to carry? A death, divorce, sickness, breakup, etc…
Are you allowing the things of your past to determine your future? Don’t do like I did and find security in those things. It’ll wear on you and eventually bring you to death.
And yes, as crazy as it sounds… Your testimony is your testimony, no doubt, but DON’T allow the things that are in your past that God has brought you through to define your here and now or your future.
You are worth so much more. You are worth being loved. Find freedom in Christ and allow His sacrifice to be all sufficient and enough…
Love y’all.
P.S… I eventually fell asleep after having some prayer time. The next morning I woke up so refreshed. You know why? Because when the Bible says…
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
That’s EXACTLY what it means.
Take heart in His promises.
