It’s kinda funny… You figure after doing the World Race for 11 months, experiencing brokenness, abandonment, and what true dependence on God looks like, you’d return home and be good to go, right? Not 100% true. I’m finding out a lot more about myself probably now, than on the World Race. There’s some good, some bad, but productive nonetheless.
I’m trying to learn to always move forward, even if you don’t have any idea what you’re suppose to be doing, keep moving forward. Sometimes we don’t see what’s in front of us, but we have to trust that the Lord has prepared that path and all we’ve gotta do is walk in it.
So, on the WR that’s what I did. I decided that I’d move forward and one of the ways I could do that was to share my testimony with the entire squad… Yikes.
For the longest time I wouldn’t share it with anybody at all. It was something that hurt too bad. Now looking back at it, I realized how selfish I was at times to not reach out to others with it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel like there is a time and a place, but I was TOTALLY against sharing it.
So on the WR when God told me to share it, I was like, “Really, God? Really? You know my story and how bad it hurts. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Eventually though, there I stood one night in front of my WHOLE SQUAD, laying out all the good, the bad, and the ugly of my past.
In the end it went really well, but since then I’ve realized I’ve gotten really good at something else… I’ve been allowing the past of my testimony to determine the future of my walk with Jesus… No bueno.
On the WR, I absolutely felt the Lord calling me to share my story and what He’s brought me through, however, He didn’t call me to look back on my past screw ups and let that define my current identity as a son of God. I had gotten real comfortable at sharing my story, why, because I had started to look back, put the “victim tag” back around my toe, and begin to think that’s where my identity laid. Even worse, I started to expect a “sympathy card” every time I shared with folks. I don’t need no sympathy card, because all that shame, guilt, and mess was nailed to the cross, and I’m called to bear it no more.
You’re probably wondering why this blog is titled, “Where Was Jesus”, but just stick with me…
There I set the other evening at the house, not realizing what I was doing to myself. I was super depressed and down on myself because of my past. Why was I bringing the past up? Because, it’s true, we really are our on worst critics. I was once again allowing my identity to be found in my past. I was losing sight of what God had done in my life and was currently doing…
To Be Continued…
