This is what I’m processing through right now. It's a lot to read, but I promise it's worth it.
I guess I’m not sure where I’m at exactly. I’m in the middle of Mozambique, Africa, but other than that… I don’t really have a good answer for you.
Lately I have been praying and thinking a lot. About life, about my walk with the Lord, about prayer, fasting, reading my Bible, ministry, life after the World Race, and probably a lot of other things that I cannot think of right now.
Do you ever feel like you are not hearing the Lord? Well, that’s kinda where I’m at right now. I feel numb. I was so excited to come to Africa again for the 3rd time, but this time around its been a completely different experience for me. Normally when I’m in Africa, God reveals so much to me, but this month particularly, its been pretty quiet.
The past 48 hours I have been fasting, because right now, I am desperate to hear from the Lord. Lately I have been thinking over my life as a Christian the past 10 years. Its been a crazy ride. Both good and bad. I’m questioning some things right now though. I don’t think its necessarily a bad thing… I just have some things I am thinking about. One of the biggest things is when I look at my life as a teen growing up in the youth group till now. I guess in a lot of ways you could say I was the “poster child” for what a youth group kid should look like. I read my Bible, I prayed, I learned the verses, I went on all the trips, I sang in the youth choir, did drama, I taught Sunday school, helped lead the youth group, didn't party, had all the right Sunday school answers, etc… I think if you asked my Mama and Daddy, they would even tell you I was a pretty good kid.
Don’t get me wrong, those things are great, but here’s where my questions are…
I remember every year going to youth conferences and it was always such an awesome time. I loved going to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee this time of year for X-Treme Winter Conference, Hearts On Fire, and Strength to Stand. I couldn’t hardly wait for this time of year to roll around, because I knew where we would be heading! Every year, time and time again, I watched multiple youth, including myself, walk down the isle and make a decision to follow Christ. It was great! In my case and in many others cases, each year, we would “retake” that walk down to the alter. Pray the prayer for Jesus to save us, AGAIN. We would fill out the card, then stand during praise and worship with our hands stretched high in the air praising God to lyrics such as,” I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. I’ll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is Yours.” It was like clock work, every year it was bound to happen. Even in the past few years, I was working with the youth group at church and we took the youth to the conferences. It always happens.
Now I sit under my bug-net in Africa and think back on all those times. All the hundreds of youth we took with us over the years. There were good times for sure! What alarms me now though, is where are they now? I can answer that question for some of them. Some of them are atheist or agnostic. That means they don’t believe in God or they don’t believe in anything period. Some of them are in school. Some are living with boy friends or girl friends messing around, not married. A few are already divorced. Some of them have families now and have stayed the course. It really does bother me though to think about all those who made decisions to follow the Lord and so easily gave it up. Why? What happened? Why year after year did youth, myself included, make the trip to the alter, “accept Jesus” and then return to the SAME EXACT place they were before the trip? I am going to take a step out in faith and be bold about this… Where are the church members that used to attend our churches. The church members that used to be so involved and have, for some reason, given up on the faith so easily? Year after year, I watched people attend yearly revival services, get “saved”, and then I would never see them again. When did Jesus become so “take Him or leave Him?” When did people get the mind set that they could change churches because “they don’t like the music”, or “the Pastor isn’t preaching messages that they like to hear.” When did the switch happen? When did it become ok to stop fighting for our faith? To stop fighting for those who are walking in the faith with us? When did it become more about us being happy than us fighting through whatever comes our way to unify as the body of Christ?! When did it become "normal" to stop attending youth group because you broke up with your boy-friend or girl-friend…? When did it become more about us than it is about Him?!
It breaks my heart to see so many people not stay the course. The Bible says, “Therefore, if any man be in Christ he is a new creation. The old has passed away, and behold, ALL THINGS have become new.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17. That verse says ALL THINGS BECOME NEW! That isn’t what I see happening in most cases though. I am preaching to the choir, trust me. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why have we as Christians gotten to this place that we're in now? I know that people are going to sin and mess up, but I can’t understand why people are ok with staying where they are in their Christian walk. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It scares me to death, that so many Christians are so careless with their relationship with Jesus. When did that become acceptable? When did it become acceptable to use the excuse that we are sinful people as a way for us to keep sinning? When did we cross over into this mindset that walking down an isle and praying a prayer made you a Christian and then you could stand up and do whatever you wanted after that and not live any differently. You know why it scares me? Because it shouldn’t be that way.
I am so convicted about this right now. I mean torn up. Why year after year did I go through the motions of accepting Christ, but never let Him truly change my life? Why for so long did I know the Truth and not allow the Truth to change me? Why do so many so called “Christians” live like this and think its ok? News flash… ITS NOT OK. Maybe its not ok because its sin… Maybe its not ok because you are missing out on living your life in the fullness of Christ. Either way, its not ok.
What happened to fulfilling the great commission?! When did people decide that it was ok not to “GO MAKE DISCIPLES?” The Bible never changed… So why did we?
I know this is all over the place, but that’s kinda where my mind is with all this right now. It should really scare us to think about this stuff. It does me. It breaks my heart.
I want my faith to be real! I want to KNOW JESUS CHRIST and not just go through the motions. This is why I am where I am. I am not content with being stagnant anymore in my walk with Christ.
I WANT TO HEAR HIM. I WANT TO SEE HIM. I WANT TO KNOW HIM.
I don’t want a fabricated faith anymore. I want the message of the Gospel to change me to the core. I am tired of putting up a front. I am tired of dealing with the same sin that had me in bondage 10 years ago. I am tired of doing things because I want the glory from it. I’m just tired. We have to break thru this. I am tired of seeing people just pray a prayer, sign a card, and then never change. I want to see disciples being made for the Gospel! We need to realize that there should be an urgency to spread the Gospel!
I guess the reason I bring up all the youth group stuff is because looking back now, I don’t really know what parts of it were real in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I believe there are plenty of folks who really did change through conferences, Judgement Houses, Revivals, etc, I just don’t know if I was one of them. I feel like in a lot of ways I was just going through the routine motions because that was the right thing to do. I am realizing that I don’t want to do that stuff anymore. I don’t want to do things because that’s what I am “suppose to do”. No, I want to do those things because I have a deep deep yearning to know Jesus on a personal level. I remember numerous times walking down the isle to rededicate my life time and time again, but there was never any change. That's not ok. I am tired of being part of worship services where the band is singing a “good worship song” and I put my hands up because that’s the right thing to do. I am tired of doing things like that. I want to put my hands up because I am truly worshipping and in love with JESUS CHRIST! I do not want to sing empty lyrics any longer just to do it and fit in.
This race has been hard. A lot of it I feel like has been me going through the motions I have always gone through. Doing what a team leader "should be doing". Believe it or not, just because you become a missionary doesn’t mean that this stuff just happens naturally. If anything, you have to fight more for it.
I am determined to know Jesus.
I will do whatever it takes to find Him and to let Him change me. If that means that for the next week I set in silence and fast, I will do it. I just want to hear from the Lord. I had all these big aspirations of coming on the World Race to change the world, but I am realizing that until you are REALLY changed yourself, you cannot help others. Maybe that’s why Christians are not being the hands and feet that are going and reaching… Maybe there has never really been a change in your own life. Stop pursuing after a religious experience, “god experience”, “god moment”, whatever you want to name it, etc… and start pursuing after JESUS CHRIST. He wants to use you, but you got to first let Him change you.
Lately I feel like a lot of my blogs are not these amazing positive stories of great things that are happening on the field. I guess I am at a place now in my life, and my walk with the Lord, and my World Race experience where I just want it to be authentic. I am tired of putting up a front and pretending like things are good when deep inside I am broken, hurting, and confused.
I want real change. I want to have real impact on peoples lives. I don’t want to waste another day on myself. If I’m going to do that, then I just need to pack up my stuff and head home, because all I’m doing is traveling the world and seeing a bunch of cool stuff and never doing anything with lasting eternal impact.
I’m not ok with that.
“Jesus. Please, I beg you to change me. From the inside out, create in me a renewed spirit and a new heart. I am tired of going through the motions and acting like I have it all together. I am tired of running this race of life for myself. I give up. I am falling into Your arms, Papa. I cannot do this anymore and I refuse to go any further like this. Give me a hunger for your word, for prayer time with you, and give me a burning passion to know you more intimately than ever before. Tune my heart to hear your voice. I pray that I would stop thinking about myself all the time, and realize that there is a bigger picture that you want me to be part of. I want to die to my selfish desires, wants, and needs. I want to bring you glory. You are calling me. I can hear it clearly. To stand for purity and what's pleasing to Your heart. You are showing me. I can see it clearly. A sense of destiny and a change from every thing around. Take me by the hand and show me what Your planning. I want to be a part of Your design. Guide me by the heart and show me what's the future. I want to leave a mark on history. I want to be used by You. Don’t look me over, I am waiting for You broken. I wanna be used by You. Lord have your way. Have Your way. I love you, Papa.”
-Dusty
