Dear I AM,
I write this letter to You with my own hands; the hands that You gave to me. This is an attempt to find out who You are to me, and where I am with You…
I have experienced various and different ways that people & creation relate to You. I have read Your Word, listened to songs, heard what my family, friends, pastors, AIM Staff, F Squad, teammates, ministry contacts, and my wife have had to say about You. Honestly, at this point in my life I feel like I barely know You, even after walking with and striving to love You for the better part of twenty years. Somehow I know (probably from the Scriptures & personal testimony) that this is no fault of Yours and that the blame falls to me. Maybe I shouldn’t refer to it as blame. Maybe You’re choosing to be quiet, as You have done in the accounts that Your Word depicts in the past. Maybe my ears are stopped up and I can’t, won’t, or just don’t really, really, really, want to hear Your Word(s) that You are speaking to me. And I will tell You that I am so sick & tired of that! I’ve had people speak life over me and tell me differently, but I want to experience the difference of this Truth for myself! I’m thankful for the physical hearing that I do have in my right ear, and I should be more thankful, but I’m ready for the hearing in my deaf left ear to be fully restored! I want to have a personal encounter with The Healer that I’ve read about, heard about, and seen the effects of (with my own eyes) on the once blind Indian woman named Orna whom You healed as my team and I prayed over her…
Maybe I’ve made hearing Your voice an idol. Or maybe I’ve put it on a higher pedestal than it need be. Maybe it’s less complicated than I’ve made it, less glamorous; less of a “WOW” factor should be involved. I don’t know…
So ARE YOU, choosing to be quiet? That’s my question. I guess that’s my biggest gripe or complaint, which I don’t want to feel like I’m doing either of. I just want to be fulfilled in my hunger and my thirst for You that You said that You would satisfy within me if I would but come to You.
John 6:35 “Jesus said to them, ‘I AM the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.’”
I do want to want You for You and not just for all of Your stuff. That would be nice, huh? Am I hungry and thirsty for the wrong things? If You words ARE LIFE and sustenance, then is it OK to desire to hear You speak and know in the same instance, at the same time, that IT IS YOU?
Deuteronomy 8:3 “And He humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”
Matthew 4:3-4 “And the tempter came and said to Him, ‘If You are the Son of God, command these stones to become bread.’ But He answered, ‘It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’’”
The other side of the coin is this: If I did hear Your voice, would I know what to do with what You spoke to me and whether it’s for me, my team, my squad, ministry contacts, family, friends, etc.? I assume that Your Spirit, The Holy Spirit, Whom You have given me, will lead & guide me into ALL TRUTH, as Your word states. You- Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Creator God, YHWH, Elohim, THE ONE WHO WAS, AND IS, AND IS TO COME, I AM- know me. You know me inside & outside, upside & downside, backward & forward, thru & thru, altogether, and unlike anyone else ever has or ever will. So, You know that my deepest desire- the desire that I received straight from You- is to please You! Honor You! Love You! Praise You! Worship You! And live the life that You have given me for You and You alone! With affection, and attention, and zeal, and passion that is unmatched toward anything or anyone else!!! That is my heart!!! YOU ARE MY LIFE!!! Swiftfully, strategically, mercifully, and lovingly remove anything from within me and outside of me that keeps me from You and walking in love toward myself and others. And when my flesh feels the full weight of this devastating blow, help me to remain unoffendable. Help me to be patient as You bind up and heal my wounds, for coming from You they are faithful. Drive far from me a spirit of pride and the tendency to wallow in the mire of self-pity…
Will You please tell/explain to me the gifting(s) and their purposes that You have bestowed upon me & allowed me to steward Abba? Specifically the gift(s) of the Holy Spirit. Your beloved Son Jesus, in/with Whom You ARE well pleased, told all who are His disciples to call You, “Father”. He said that You will not withhold the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but that You would give generously to those who ask! Have I received the gifts? Are they present in me right now? Have I had them for twenty years- since the time I experienced Your salvation, then rebirth, baptism, etc.- or were they bestowed upon me more recently? If I do possess them- as the Holy Spirit possesses me- am I using them correctly, or to their full potential? Is this “The Best” there is? Is this Your dream fully realized for me? If not, what is? How do I get there? When will You take me there?
