I need just a little more Jesus; I’m desperate. Life doesn’t make sense at the moment. I don’t have the motivation to rise from the bed on most days; there isn’t another ounce of fight left.
I NEED JESUS.
Psalm 100:5, ” For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through generations.”
Where do I even begin to digest this clouded mind? First, The Lord has been so good to me; life may not make sense, but I still trust him. I started this year with a concise vision, and one promise; this is my due season. This due season has showed out in the last two months, but it comes with a hefty and a sacrificial price tag. The month of January was more than I can fathom; a financial blessing, a four hundred dollar rental discount, replacement of brakes, new employment, World Race sponsorships, debt cancellation of one credit card, and a newly discounted backpack. If that wasn’t sufficient…. In February, I was conversing with a resident and shared a bit of my heart with him about the World Race, and he stated that he and his wife would donate; I expected several hundred, but he and his wife invested over $2,000 into the Kingdom. I. AM. STILL. BLOWN. AWAY. I asked God to reaffirm this wild adventure; I felt in heart that he already did through numerous outlets, but I needed it to be simplistic; No denying it was him. Several of our squad-mates fasted, and the following day the Lord showed me the B’s donation. I got it; He wanted me to go. It was time to take the seriousness of fundraising into overdrive, but with each passing day, I lost focus of Jesus. I should be joyous, but I am not. Instead of giving God my stare, I chose to glorify my circumstances.
Christine spoke an eloquent message out of Exodus 33 about God having more in store ahead than behind us; we must be ready to go into the promise land. I’ve tasted a bit of the promised land in the last month and a half, but a large portion of me desires to return to the comfortability and complacency of Egypt. Why would I possibly want to go back to the very thing God delivered me from; isn’t freedom the ultimate goal? Yes, according to the gospel of John, “so if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” I would love to embrace the freedom found in Jesus daily, but it feels unattainable. Today, I just want it to be Jesus and I. I attempt to overlook the past, but it creeps back in. I fight to love the person in the mirror, but her brokenness is what I see. The brokenness of a past relationship that has held me hostage for years, and yet, I still want the toxic it produces. I wish I could tell you I’m the victim in all of this mess, but I am not. I know his exact intentions, and yet, my heart leaps because that’s all I can envision in the crevices of my room. I need help; Jesus, I need you. Lord, I give it all to you. This mess belongs to you; will you make a masterpiece out of it? Please breathe life back into these dry bones. Father, help me release the unforgivingness that is being harbored. My only want is to complete the mission you’ve set before me on this earth. It appears to be easier to love, encourage, and fight for our brothers and sisters furthest away; I will do just that while around the globe, but until then, my earthly father needs me. How do I love him the way you do? As he’s battling this deadly disease, and his only family is me; how do I show him you’re in all of this? I’m clouded with confusion, but I will stand on this promise tonight: 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Even now, I still place my trust in you. You have won the victory, and I will not allow the enemy to steal the bit of strength I have left.
** If you stumbled upon this blog, please pray for me. Every prayer is immensely appreciated.
