I’ve been sitting here for the last few minutes trying to decide how to start this blog (that I decided I wanted to write a week ago). A blog about my journey on the race so far, that includes details to my life that I may not always like to share but are truth. A blog that I’m choosing to write in order to give an explanation for a tattoo I just got a few days ago. An explanation that I don’t necessarily need to give, but want to give.
I grew up in a home where my dad chose not to be around. He made the choice to walk out when I was seven, and while he was there off and on throughout my childhood he wasn’t a very actively present father. Because of him not being there in my childhood and as a young adult before he passed away, it left me feeling empty, and lost, and ultimately confused as to what it meant to have a good father.
So all my life I didn’t know what it was like to have a good father figure. I didn’t know what it was like to have a dad around all the time, who seemed interested in my life. Who was present, and cared about what was going on in my daily life, who was there to discipline me when I needed it. Don’t get me wrong my Dad loved me, and I know that, but he just wasn’t there to be the dad I thought I deserved, needed, or wanted. When I was about 24 I met a family, the Martins, who to make a long story short became family. Mike (Pops) and Kelly (Mom) Martin and their 8 kids rapidly became a family to me; the kids are my siblings and Mike and Kelly are my other parents. Mike showed me what it was like to have a dad care and show interest in my life. When I had a bad day at school I knew if I needed someone to talk to I could talk to him. He would call out my crap when it came to my drinking or other stuff, like setting a better example for the younger kids. From the moment I moved in with them a few years ago and became family, life started to change, I started to see what it was like to have a real Christian marriage, and to have a married couple to look up, to having a good father figure in my life, someone I could look up to, and go, “hey, so that’s what a good dad does.”
But just because I got a good father figure in my life a few years ago, doesn’t make up for all those years I didn’t have one. It doesn’t change that fact that for many years I questioned whether my dad loved me, if I was good enough, why wasn’t I enough and so much. It didn’t change the fact that I viewed God in the same way that I thought my earthy father viewed me. For a long time, I’ve had issues viewing, seeing, feeling that God was a good father. I guess logically, I’ve always known that he was, but as I told my squad leader Kent a while back, “just because I know it logically in my head, doesn’t mean I know it in my heart…” and because of this, I had a hard time seeing God as being a present father, as someone who really wanted to know me, and fight for me, and someone I could trust.
I started this race, really back in April 2015 when I got accepted for the race, and then officially in October 2015 in Atlanta, Georgia for launch; it was here that we started talking about God being a good father and my realization that I didn’t see him that way. But it wasn’t until after we launched in January that I really started to process my relationship with God, and why I viewed him the way I did, and what I wanted to do about it. I can remember breaking down crying in Month 1 with that same squad leader Kent, whose been walking this journey with me, telling him that I didn’t feel God, and that I just wanted to feel loved, and wanted to know where God had been. And the journey over the last 4 months has been absolutely amazing. It’s been a journey of ups and downs, of heartbreak and acceptance, of grieving, of mourning, of realizations, of forgiveness. It’s been a journey that I never expected to be on and one that I wouldn’t change for the world. 4 months in and I know my journey isn’t complete yet but it’s come so far from where it was when I left in January.
Along the way I’ve come to realize the more my relationship grows in Christ, the easier it is to forgive people here on earth, and process that sort of stuff. The more I strive to figure out my identity in Christ, as the daughter of God, the more I’m able to let go of the things of the past, and find the truth in Him. For me, one big step in this journey was in Month 2 in Malawi. I decided to skip adventure day, and stay home, and ended up spending some time in my journal and next thing I know I had written a letter to my Dad, my Daddy, and ended up reading the letter out loud to an empty chair in the room while it was raining outside and by the end of it not only was I in tears but I was able to let go and forgive my dad. I realized in the process of it all that just because I forgave my dad for not being there in my childhood that just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you forget what the person’s done it just means you don’t hold it against them anymore.
So what does this all have to do with my tattoo that I just got? Nothing yet, hold on keep reading, I promise I’m getting there….
So after that day when I forgave my dad, my relationship with God the father really began to grow. It started logically, I started by just saying to myself that I know he’s a good father…even if I didn’t believe it at first, it was the first logical step to me. From there I just started praying into my relationship with him, reading his word more, and honestly just trying to figure out what was holding me back. I realized along the way that one of the things that was holding me back was my lack of trust in Him. This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me because I have a lot of trust issues (something I’m working on this year) but that lack of trust in him was holding me back.
Then last month (April) in the Philippines when we first got to Anuinan Christian Church/ Threads of Hope they told us that one of our main ministry opportunities would be hosting a 4 day/3 night youth camp with the theme of I am a Child of God. My original thought, was not again, because we just did this theme for day camp last month; however, looking back on it, I realize that’s not why I was hesitant about the theme, it was because I still logically wasn’t feeling it, wasn’t realistically seeing God as a good father.
The Thursday before camp started Team FreeBirds were worshiping with the camp worship team for practice, and they started to sing the song Good Good Father, a song I’ve heard a hundred times since getting involved with the World Race, but for whatever reason the words had never really clicked, but they started too in that song…that night… and as I walked out under the stars, they began to play the song, No Longer Slaves and there is a line in it that says From my mother’s womb… and it was a that moment it clicked, all of it, I walked outside and looked up at the sky and was like, God I get this, you are a Good Father. I went outside that night realizing for the first time just how much he loved me, and how much he wants me to know he loves me and has since before I was born;from that moment on things have been different. That next week we had youth camp, and it was an amazing week, and if I hadn’t come to the conclusion not only in my head but in my heart as well that God was a GOOD Father then camp wouldn’t have been the same.
Finally, Tattoo time….
The Philippines gave me a new start, it felt like home. From the moment we stepped off the plane out in to Manila, to the moment we stepped on to the plane to fly to Bangkok, the Philippines was amazing. Great food, Great People, and God showed up. God did wonders in me during month 4, he did wonders to me in the Philippines and I never want to forget that. I’ve wanted to get a tattoo for a while, and though what I wanted may have changed just slightly, and the design altered just a little, I am so excited I got my first tattoo in the Philippines it was able to bring my journey there with God to a full circle.
Here’s what my tattoo means:
- Trust- The trust part of my tattoo has to do with reminding myself to trust myself, to trust others, and most importantly trust God.
- The Cross- The second t in the word trust is a cross on the hill. God died for me and my sins. He paid the ultimate price so I wouldn’t have to, he came to save and not condemn (Jn. 3:16-18) all I have to do is believe. I never want to forget that.
- 418- this stands for 1st John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” A reminder to never forget how much God loves me and that there is no reason to ever be afraid of His love for me.
- Getting it done in the Philippines will always have me connected to the place where I first felt like God was a good father.
- It not being perfectly center on my wrist is a reminder that we’re not all perfect, and that’s okay. Good things come out of that which is not perfect.
- Lastly, it’s in my own handwriting so as to remind me that I have a choice, and I choose to trust in him. That it was my choice to let him love me, and to accept that he is a Good father all on my own. It’s just one more thing that makes the tattoo unique to me.
If I look back in 20 years and I see the Trust 418 on my wrist and all it does is remind me of my time on the race, or my time in the Philippines and how He taught me about his love for me and how he’s a Good Father I’m okay with it, and this tattoo will be worth it. If it just reminds me of the race and all the places I’ve been and the people I’ve met it will be worth it.
This tattoo isn’t just for me though, it’s a great ministry opportunity. Every time someone asks me about it, especially the 418 aspect, I get to tell them about Christ, and his love for us. I get to share God as a Good father, and that Ministry opportunity is good enough for me.
This year has been a journey, and I can’t wait to see where God takes me from here. I can’t wait to see how he shows up, and proves/shows himself over and over again. I may not have had a great father figure growing up, my dad was who he was, and I love him no matter what; but you know what it’s okay because I have an amazing father figure now in the form of Pops, but not just that I have the best father figure ever, and his name is GOD.
