The longer I walk with God, the more He continues to provide for me. From traveling opportunities, masters degrees to wisdom and self-awareness.
However, with these gifts comes a whole lot of responsibility. A responsibility that I can say, I have never stewarded well.
This past year on the World Race, month after month, God kept on reminding me, “What has been given to you is not meant for you to keep, Claudia”. Reminding me that He’s entrusted me with much, thus needing me to change in my approach by giving to others what makes me feel uncomfortable.
Paying it forward, as we like to call it.
This “giving” mindset applies to everything, whether in the physical or spiritual. And in all honesty, both have always been difficult for me.
I grew up in a working class home, where we lived pay check to pay check. We never knew when the “rainy days would come”. And when they did, my parents were forced to ask family and friends to borrow money, not knowing when or if they would ever pay them back.
As a result, saving money became my saving grace- it was my way to control these situations. However, the Lord has shown me how unhealthy this practice has become in my life. It’s like I became a money hoarder. I’m serious, it’s that bad. I have to convince myself to spend money. It’s crazy, I know.
I now understand, yes it’s great to save, but not to the point where I struggle to spend and be generous to others. I’m currently praying for a healthy balance.
And in the spiritual realm, that also has been a difficult area for me to give to others.
Growing up as the only girl, in a traditional Mexican household, led me to have a lot of alone time. Whether in my room reading or washing dishes, I spent a lot of time alone while others went about their day. As a result, my relationship with God grew a lot during these solitary years. I grew to have a unique and intimate relationship with God that I never knew how to explain to others. Mostly because I didn’t have a lot of people around me who would vocally speak about their faith.
Now, as a grown woman, I continue to struggle in sharing my relationship with God.
I can easily say that I know how to have a vertical relationship (with God) better than I know how to have a horizontal relationships (with people).
Living in community on the World Race showed me how intimidated I was to speak about God. While others enjoyed sharing during team time, I struggled to put together the words to explain what that looked like for me.
In my mind, there wasn’t a question whether I had a relationship with Jesus, the question I asked myself was; “How can I explain to others my walk, in a way where they could really understand, and learn from my walk with the Lord? Could they ever understand?”
In all honesty, I don’t have the answer yet. I just know I want to stop being greedy. I want to stop keeping the gifts that have been entrusted to me and truly share them with others. I don’t want to be considered a greedy or stingy person. As believers we are called to give, to be the light, to be the salt of the earth, contrary to greediness.
Anyway, this is where I am now. This is what I am currently walking through.
Yes, I am patiently waiting for God to teach me how to do this at 29 years old. But until then, I will continue praying & seeking.
Because I know He will eventually mend my little heart.
This picture was taken in Port Elizabeth, South Africa in an after-school program through the organization, House of Wells. I love this picture because the children prayed for me on my non-leap year birthday.
