When I was a young girl my family would joke around about me becoming a nun one day.
I grew up as a Catholic so that idea wasn’t totally out of my reach. Plus, I was the only girl amongst my siblings so it wasn’t an absurd comment in my eyes.
Despite of this, I didn’t know much about nuns. I just knew they were put in a pedestal. Somehow they were important to the Catholic Church. (Think Mother Teresa holding African babies).
As I got older, I learned more. Nuns dedicated their lives to God. They sacrificed their clothing style & appearance, their marital status, and served the needy. All this selflessness for God.
I remember thinking, that’s a serious commitment.
I admired them for that.
This sentiment didn’t change when I gave my life to Jesus. I still admired nuns for their lifelong commitment to the Lord. However, I knew that was not a route I wanted to take. I desired to be married one day so it just wasn’t gonna work out.
Years have passed since I’ve thought about this.
However, living in Southeast Asia for the last 3 months have revived some of these feelings.
Instead of nuns, I am now surrounded by Buddhist monks.
I see them everywhere.
They wear a bright orange robe, sandals, and a cute little brown bag designed just for monks. Such a simplistic outfit.
Reminds me of the good ol’ robe-wearing-Jesus’ days…but in orange.
They are very serious individuals. For the most part they are with a “regular folk” who does stuff for them, logistical stuff I guess. This is all based on my observations.
In Vietnam I would see them here and there but when we arrived to Cambodia and Thailand, I saw them everywhere.
While we were border crossing, at our guesthouse, eating at restaurants, visiting temples and walking down the street in town. You name it, they were there.
I caught myself being super intrigued by them.
I literally would stop to observe them.
The way they carried themselves.
The way they interacted with “regular folk” like me.
I even youtubed videos of “Monk life” or “Why do people become monks?”
I even tried to take pictures of them from afar.
I wanted to know how and where they lived, how they separated themselves from worldly desires.
I had to check myself. I was actually idolizing them.
You know how some people idolize celebrities. Well, I was doing the same thing with monks.
I just think living a life committed to your beliefs and your beliefs only is so admirable.
To be selfless in all your ways. From clothing to marital status, is something I wish I could do, but I fall short from doing.
I love fashion.
I love nice things.
I want to be married one day.
But I also want to give my entire life to God.
Can I do both? Is that possible?
Do I have to go to the extreme of being like a nun or monk for me to have a real authentic relationship with Jesus?
Part of me feels like I idolize nuns and monks because I want to make it obvious to the public what I believe in.
This is who I am.
This is what I committed my entire life to do.
I am whole-heartedly committed to my faith.
“Can you see? Do you look up to me? Do you respect me now?”
In all honesty, I don’t know much about the Catholic and Buddhist religions to know specifics of a nuns and monks role in their faith. I just know they are well-respected in their faith, by leaders and regular folk.
Who doesn’t want that?
With all that said, I am now realizing that a part of me subconsciously chose to become a missionary for this reason.
This whole idea that I would do a selfless act of leaving my comforts, that I would die to myself and live for God, that I would not think about my own desires but that of God and others only.
Yes, this is true.
But this idea of being “recognized” by others for my good deeds is also true.
This idea that, I too, should be glorified is something I subconsciously sought after.
Am I the only one? Is my selfish nature a Claudia problem only?
Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not.
So we are halfway through this trip and everyday I become more and more aware of my selfish nature.
The more I continue on this trip the more I learn that I am a hot mess.
That I will always be a hot mess.
But that God still loves me and always will.
I ask myself, why do I need a title then? Why do I need to feel like I need to be recognized by people?
All the recognition I need is from God. He is the only one who knows the depths of my heart, every part of my being.
The title of “Missionary” has become this glorified name in my eyes. Just like that of a nun, monk, priest, pastor, teacher, principal, CEO, etc., whatever you wanna call it.
A title I chose to take.
My glorification of humans, whether a nun, monk, or missionary is not ok.
We are all human. We will always fall short. We are not perfect. We are selfish in nature. We like recognition. Whether we like it or not.
But we can consciously begin our day by choosing not to be this way.
Choosing to be more selfless today than we were yesterday.
Nuns and Monks are not perfect. Maybe from an outsiders view they seem they are, but that’s only because we don’t know what goes on behind clothes doors.
I’m sure they struggle with the same issues that we all do.
I’m sure they have to fight the enemy like we all do.
Let us stop idolizing people and structures.
Let us stop seeking recognition from others.
Let us be our unique selves while looking to God for wisdom and understanding to love Him and others.
Because at the end of the day that’s what we are all called to do, to love people and to love God.
It’s that simple.
With or without a title. Without the need of recognition.
Let’s all do this. Every single day.
Doing those two things will change our world.
