I’ve been living with a stranger. Well, technically, I’ve been living with over 50 strangers to be honest with you, but I’ve met a stranger where I didn’t expect to meet one.
I thought this person was pretty kind, generous, loving and generally easy to get along with, based on my previous interactions with her. Sure, I knew she struggled in some areas like all people, but overall she kept it together. But after nearly two months of spending time with her, I wasn’t quite sure I was seeing the same person.
Instead of seeing her easily give love and kindness, I saw her have to work at giving it. There was a battle to serve and be selfless going on that I had never seen her have to fight before. Instead of jumping up to do the dishes for the floor, she quietly sat back, waiting for someone else to do it. Instead of being selfless, I saw her thinking about herself all of the time.
I didn’t know who this stranger was, and that was scary because that stranger was me.
Back home, I think people would generally describe me as upbeat, quick to serve, giving, loves Jesus with everything I have, more mature than my age, practical and pretty confident in who I am.
Here on the Race – whether people noticed it or not (which I’m sure some did) I have had to constantly, internally fight to be that person. As I began to seek for an answer to the question “why?”, I came to that answer – I’m in survival mode.
I’m completely uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable with the people in my community. I’m uncomfortable taking ice cold showers or just not any taking showers for over a week. I’m uncomfortable sleeping on the floor for the past two months while sharing a room with anywhere from five to twenty other people. I’m uncomfortable using a squatty potty. I’m uncomfortable using a squatty potty that about all 50 of my squad-mates have been sick in. I’m uncomfortable with someone else handling my money. I’m uncomfortable with clashing personalities. I’m uncomfortable going without electricity 95% of the time. I’m uncomfortable with the fact that the question I ask most to people back home is “Can you hear me now?” when I’m on the telephone.
I’m just flat out uncomfortable and tired, and because of that, I was looking out for Numero Uno, myself.
I came to realize though, that actually no, I’m not a stranger. I’m still the person I am back home, and I’m growing in holiness every day. It’s just easier to not think about myself when I have built into my life things and people that keep me warm, cozy, healthy and filled. It’s easy to be others focused when I have, but it’s not so easy when I don’t.
So I have to ask myself, how much have I been reliant on my comforts back home when I thought I was being fully filled in Christ alone? Is Christ truly the strength of my life? Do I really count all as worth nothing compared to Him?
Before the Race I would have said yes to all of the above. Now I would say I’m growing, and He’s giving me opportunities to grow in that everyday.
So, instead of being frustrated and tired of being uncomfortable and clinging to any temporal thing for comfort, I am focusing on thanking Jesus for the opportunity to grow in relationship with Him.
I hear Him in this saying to me, “Rejoice, because I have drawn you away from your other loves so that you can experience the fullness of Mine. I will give you more love than you have ever experienced. When you have nothing, you with have enough to give infinitely because I am the Beginning and the End.”
So through every cold shower or day without a shower, every upset stomach and trip to the bathroom, every time I wish I had my best friend from home to talk to but cant, I will rejoice for it’s Him calling me to Himself and equipping me to give even more than I did back home.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.”
Hosea 2:14
What comforts are you unconsciously clinging to for fulfillment?
How can you change your view on the things you are lacking?
